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I just finished a book by Alice von Hildebrand "By Love Refined: Letters to Young Bride" and she said a lot of things, but this was one of my favorites.

"Like the oriental carpet weaver, the good wife must be an artist of love. She must remember her mission and never waste the little deeds that fill her day - the precious bits of wool she's been given to weave the majestic tapestry of married love."

I was so glad to return home a week and a half ago. There is just something about your own house, your own bed, and your own system. I loved spending time with my sister, the baby, my parents, and the puppies, but Mom has a very particular system. Sometime since I left, my family has all become automatons of said system. When the kitchen wasn't clean when and how Mom does it, Dad made sure I knew it. When Alida came home for the weekend, she spent the first hour cleaning the kitchen counter off...apparently, all but Hanna have fallen prey to my mother's "way". :)

Even the puppy (65 pound puppy mind you) was off-kilter without my mom. He usually has a lot of energy, but he was particularily difficult while I was there and was a prince when Mom was home from the hospital for a few precious minutes.

Things got done, they just got done my way. And some of them didn't get done my way. Mom has a very particular way of doing baby laundry and somehow I knew that if I didn't do it exactly right, she'd know...:)

And then there were the bottles...So, the baby goes through about 7 bottles a day...I had about 9 bottles in circulation...so, I'd wait until they were all gone, put them in the dishwasher in the really cool bottle washer thing, and fill them when they came out. I came to find out the morning I left, that mom had about 20 of those things that I could have rotated. It's nice to know you're own home, isn't it?

Sure, I returned home to a messy kitchen table and loads of laundry, but I realized while I was gone that I really don't mind that stuff. (Kevin might say that I never really minded it because it takes me 5 days longer than him to recognize the need to do anything...Dad and I have decided I just have a higher "dirty" tolerance...eventually it will get done!) I knew where the towels were. I knew which knives I could use and for what. I knew what I had in my food pantry for meals. I knew what had to be done and when.

The first morning mom was home from the hospital with Matti, she asked me, "So, how do you like being a mom?" I told her that I didn't really feel like the mom. I didn't have a problem balancing the jobs, but the baby still wasn't mine, nor was the schedule. If I was the mom, I would have the routine and functions down to my pace and priority list. I felt like a very comfortable nanny...I knew the house and the characters in the house...the quantity...but I didn't know their ways...the quality...

As so beautifully said by Alice von Hildebrand, it is my job to create my home. No moment or talent is wasted when I am working to create a safe, loving, and hallowed space for my husband and family, however I may go about doing that.

Suffice it to say, I am so glad to be home. Even if it does mean getting this nasty cold from my sweetie...thanks, by the way...

The Healing Process

I have been here in Cincinnati for 10 days now. I returned home to care for my little brother, the poodle puppy and Johanna. Johanna doesn't need much caring for, but we have a good time together. Mom has been in the hospital with our other little brother. He needed surgery to change the shape of his skull to allow his brain more room. It has been an interesting few days.

Being home has made me nostalgic. It made me remember all of the good times with my family, my sisters, and my friends. The last few years have been an interesting roller coaster ride. I have learned to fall and to trust at the same time. I have learned to say yes to God in even the darkest of times. I never thought they could get as dark as they did. But here I am. Happier and healthier than I have been in years, knowing that I am right where God meant me to be. If even one moment had been different, I may not be where I am now.

That said, there was a lot of pain inflicted in the last few years. And not all of it was on me. Much of it was on the people and relationships around me. My sisters...my dearest friends...my roommate. Some stood by and others couldn't. Some offered a shoulder and some placed blame. I don't judge either. I am grateful to those who stood by me, but I am glad those that needed to walked away. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I am hoping to make amends. I know I can never make things the same, but just as other seek forgiveness from me, I seek forgiveness from them.

It reminds me of the wonderful gift of Catholic confession. I am blessed to be part of such a beautiful tradition and I pray that this may be a first step to making it's spirit a part of my daily life.

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Green Bay Style

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…one diamond engagement ring. On September 22nd Kevin proposed to me in the middle of our living room with the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. He asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and after asking him if he was sure, I said yes. The rest will be history. We are so blessed to have one another and be given a chance to grow and share our love with those around us.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…two orphaned kittens. Little Daisy and Gatsby came to us in August. They were the last two kittens in an abandoned litter. They are quite the creatures! Daisy likes to squirrel away anything little and shiny and Gatsby likes to play in his water dish. We are convinced they are some mystical combination of cat, dog, monkey, and weasel.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…three rooms to redecorate (and remodel).Kevin’s beautiful home will soon be our beautiful home and we are putting some well-deserved TLC into it before the wedding. Kevin has spent the last four months working on remodeling the bathroom. Our next projects include the upstairs, which will become my office and a guest room, and the basement, which will become the all-purpose guy room!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…four shots ringing (and a big doe to show for it!) Kevin spent the week of Thanksgiving, hunting season here in Wisconsin, out in the field with his dad and a couple of friends and came back with a big, beautiful doe. It was an unseasonably warm week. In addition to the doe, I’m pretty sure we amassed about four pounds of dirt from his boots and other gear!

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…five months and counting!! The wedding date is set for April 27th, 2007 and it is arriving quickly. After a whirlwind courtship, we decided on a whirlwind engagement. Most of the planning is done. We will be sharing a small dinner and ceremony with our family and closest friends, and hosting a large picnic on Memorial Day weekend for everyone else to celebrate with us. We do not plan to honeymoon right away, but hope to whisk away to Europe or take a cruise sometime next year.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…six months of unemployment. I was laid off from my radio job in the middle of October. Since then, I have been hunting for a new job and wedding planning. I have also been doing a plethora of research in hopes of launching my freelance writing career. It has made for an interesting few months to say the least, but we are getting by and trust that God will provide.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…seven days of Christmas in Cincinnati. We spent about a week with my family in Cincinnati for the holiday. We had not seen them since the engagement and enjoyed the opportunity to relax and celebrate with them. Alida was home from Bellarmine University in Louisville and Hanna, a sophomore, still lights up a room with her laughter. Kevin and Dad had a fun night at a local German brewery while we girls stayed home, ate pizza, and laughed at the babies and the new puppy!

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…eight people for Thanksgiving. Kevin and I hosted Thanksgiving this year for his family. I took my first swing at a Thanksgiving meal and it turned out better than I expected. The turkey was beautiful, the potatoes and gravy were heavenly, and I didn’t have to make dessert. I am told I succeeded. (Not without a little case of exhaustion, but hey, all for the cause!!!)

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…nine new family members, give or take a few. With any good marriage, the extended family grows. Kevin has gained two sister-in-laws (who are thrilled about the thought), a father-in-law (who shares many similar interests), and a mother-in-law (with whatever brood of foster babies she has at any given moment). I have been blessed with a 5-year-old niece, (to whom I am a great novelty), a sister and brother-in-law (who so generously share their wood stove on cold winter’s nights), and a mother and father-in-law who have welcomed me with open arms (and adore my chocolate covered strawberries!)

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…ten trips for traveling. The sport show in Milwaukee, Jessie’s first college graduation, Alida’s high school graduation, family vacation in Minnesota, girls weekend in Chicago, Brooke’s wedding in California, Labor Day weekend in Cincinnati, Vegas/Sedona, Louisville to see Alida, and an annual Christmas trip to the Twin Cities!!!! Whew, I am tired just thinking about it!!!

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…eleven months of ministry. We launched a wonderful young adult ministry group here in Green Bay about eleven months ago and it is thriving. We gather every other week to share topics of interest, fellowship and often food. It is a wonderful small group that is working to further the Kingdom and bring us all a little closer to heaven!

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…dozens of blessings, too numerous to mention. We are so blessed to have each other, our families, our friends and all of the wonderful gifts He has given us in the past year. We hope this letter finds you happy and healthy and brings a little moment or two of joy into a hectic season, exampled by what I’m calling our “New Year’s Cards”. As a dear friend of mine says, “Bless the Mess!” May the New Year bring you great love and growth. If you have a chance, let us know how you are.