The Women Raising My Children

 

I intended to write this post months ago, but how does one tackle a topic so close to one's heart in a blog post? Here I will try.

I’ll admit it. I’ve watched “Sister Wives” on TLC. You know, the one about the 4 wives and 1 husband and their very blended family? Now, before you judge, I’m not proud of my choice. After the first season – there isn’t much on TV for 2am feedings and Netflix is SO convenient – I stopped watching because the whole concept of polygamy and their lifestyle left me feeling uneasy.

That being said, there was definitely a draw to the concept of parenting my children with other women. There is nothing like the perspective and extra hands of other mothers. It made me step back and reflect on my own mothering experience. I realized that in many ways, I share the job of parenting with many other wonderful and blessed women. I share them with you here.

My Mom, Sheila – As I’ve shared in the past, my mother is a foster mom and my brother was adopted into our family. As such, my mother’s “parenting” years have been extended. From my mother my children learn that family doesn’t begin and end, it is constant. From her they learn unconditional love and acceptance as we share the lives of so many unique children. They also learn in a special way the difference between a mother’s love and a grandmother’s love. Only a grandmother would spend time running around collecting items my 4-year-old insists “mom is out of.”

My Mother-in-law, Pat – My mother-in-law is legally blind and has been most of her life. You wouldn’t know it to meet her, however, as she has learned to thrive in her disability. My children have learned perseverance, attentiveness and acceptance. They see in her a wicked independence. They don’t know Grandma any different than she is and they love her all the same. John Ross has learned to sense her needs and respond to them. It brought my heart great joy to see him lead her into church with her cane the other day, carefully maneuvering her through the doorways and around the pews. And just like any other grandma, I find myself coming to grips with the spoils of a visit and the sugar overload aftermath.

My Sister, Alida – When my family is together there are so many children that we just parent whichever one is closest to us. My children see my sister as an extension of myself. She loves them all fiercely and goes out of her way to make sure they know she loves them. She and I share a similar life stage and she keeps me sane. At the same time, she thinks of all the fun “aunt” things to do. I’ll never live up to the bonfire and toasted marshmallows visit.

My Sister, Johanna – My sister Johanna is my respite. When “Ana” is around, you know the kids will be out of my hair. Ana spent much of her teen years helping my mom with foster babies and our brother Matthew, many of whom had special needs. As such, Ana is very creative and inventive when it comes to entertaining the kids and reducing parental stress levels. Strangely enough, she is the best and most loving disciplinarian I’ve ever met. Even without kids, I look to her for ideas and support when it comes to keeping my kids happy and in line. She doesn’t put up with nonsense, but knows the art of distraction best of anyone. She has a love and passion for life that inspires and lights up my kids and for that I am eternally grateful.

My Neighbor, Ann – Ann is a dear friend. I don’t think there are many people who can say they have as good of neighbors as we do. Ann greets our children regularly, waves to them from the car, and invites them to swim in her pool. When she stops over to visit she gives them hugs and asks them questions about their small person lives. With 2 girls of her own, she regularly drops off hand-me-down toys, bikes and equipment. She praises them for their politeness and encourages us as parents. Clara always prays for “Miss Ann” first during our night prayers and we thank God for her as well.

My Nanny, Jeannine – Jeannine gets it. When I needed to hire someone in home to care for my children, I long for someone who could be an extension of me. While we are very different, Jeannine is just that. She loves them like I would. She gives them experiences and joy like I want to. She challenges and holds them accountable. With 4 children of her own, she is a skilled teacher and guide. During a very difficult time in my 3rd pregnancy when I was suffering from debilitating depression, Jeannine made holidays and birthdays something special. Not only is she another mother to my children, but she has become a support for me too – sharing our lives and helping to keep my house (and more importantly my head) in order. It took us a lot of time to find her and we would be lost without her.
My children’s Godmothers – We don’t see these women as often as we’d like, but perhaps that is why they make good Godmothers. They are called in a special way to support us in prayer, both the kids and us as parents. Without their prayers, we would be lost. We count on them to be spiritual warriors and resources for our little ones and we count on their prayers to protect us as we ride the crazy parental rollercoaster.

These women and I don’t share a husband (thank goodness), but these are the women helping me to raise loving, fun, and passionate children. These are the women who help me to be a better mother and live in the example of our Blessed Mother. Clearly, we share a heavenly Father and we are all responsible for the little lives, hearts and souls entrusted to us. So with great humility and hope, I say “thank you.” I hope someday to be as pivotal in the lives of other children as the women in the lives of mine.

Who cares for, teaches, and inspires your children? How have you thanked them?

The Way My Mother Made Me

I was blessed to have a wonderfully deep conversation about mothers with some dear women recently. The sun warmed our bodies, the food nourished our stomachs, and a cool August breeze signaled to all of us a time of change in our lives.

Over delightfully cold glasses of lemonade we shared about work, ministry and motherhood. As the last few bites were taken the conversation turned to the topic of our mothers.

While I hold very dear the insights, fears, joys, and questions that were raised during this unique conversation and would never betray the trust of my two dearest friends, I will say this and I think it runs true for all women: we are each the way our mothers made us. We live with and learn from their choices, their manners, and yes, even their thighs. We carry their absence and presence with us. We hear their voices, their lessons, and their theologies within just about every moment. Sometimes the lessons are found in their failings or our missing wants and desires, and sometimes they are in the questions that remain unanswered. Nevertheless, they make us who we are.

I'm not going to make that something more than it is. Birth mothers, foster mothers, Godmothers, grandmothers, Virgin Mothers, let it find you where you are and let it speak to you.

Grateful for the beautiful women who blessed me so deeply today with their great honesty and trust, I treated my daughter to her very first tea and biscuits before bed tonight. I relished every blessed motherly moment. As we laughed and giggled and talked about all the good things God makes for us, I prayed somewhere in the hidden realms of my soul that someday the smell of chamomille and lavender will find my Clara remembering her own mommy-dearest, worts and all.

A Contented Return

Well readers, it's been awhile. Pictures are below for those of you used to being greeted by a photo...:)

I am not dead, depressed, or otherwise wasted away in depths of despair. Actually, I've been wallowing in a time of re-prioritization and discernment. I've been enjoying some major changes made to our life this past spring.

Last summer I made a career move from the pastoral area of stewardship to the pastoral area of faith formation. While I love planning and teaching, I did not much enjoy the drama and grind of that type of position. Students are tired, parents are unkind and demanding, and quite frankly nights and weekends were doing permanent damage to my children. "Bye mama, daddy's staying home so you go to a meeting," on nights when I didn't have one scheduled was way too tough. We spent late nights and weekends recovering from our weeks and my husband, supportive and loving as he was, was being worn down by all the time we spent apart and caring for children alone.

After lots of tears and struggles, bouts with depression, and parish politics, we decided that I needed to watch for a new position. Lo and behold, the perfect position popped up quite out of the blue. 3 days a week I work as a communications secretary for another local parish. Plenty of time for family, diocesan work and writing without the drama of nights, weekends, or parents.

The transformation has been incredible and affirming. My children are better behaved, my patience a bit thicker, and my marriage has never been better. My house stays cleaner, I feel no guilt about stopping mid-task to read books to my snuggly little Sappa, and even my waistline seems to have halted its outward march. Last night, for the first time in a long time I joined a friend for a drink downtown after 7pm! Whoo-hoo!

I've found myself not only more attentive to the needs and persons of my friends and family, but more responsive and more generous. I've been able to put a more positive spin on life in general and helped my family to do the same.

I work a few less hours, took a paycut, and now pay my nanny more, but I wouldn't change any of it to protect what I've rediscovered. I truly feel the balance is back in my vocations. I know not everyone is able to make this kind of change, but I am blessed that my husband and I were able to trust my gut (although reluctantly at times) and see this new phase of our life through.

It's not easy to make the right choice. There are moments when I wonder about my potential, my career, my achievement. There are moments when I think, "Really? 16 years of schooling for this?" and then I remember that no corporate or pastoral achievement can be compared to the responsibility of caring for the souls entrusted to our parental care. No planning meeting compares to a meaningful discussion about heaven with a 3-year-old. Both important, but in this season of my life, God has called me to join him on the lakeshore next to a curious little boy and a dead fish.

The day will come when they won't need me as much. The day will come when God will call me to serve his church in a deeper capacity again. By that time, I will have gained the wisdom of parenthood and the understanding and compassion of married life. I will be that much more equipped to serve God's people on their journeys. I'm not losing anything by stepping back for a few years. I am gaining those foundational years with my little ones and my husband. I have been gifted by God with time to shore up our foundation and build a house on rock with Him.

Build a house of God's love around your children and they will become shelters of God's love for the world.

Here are just a few photos from our very blessed summer so far.

The Men in My Life: Dad, Grandpa, Hubby

Me and the Hubby Relaxing at the Lake

My Little Fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man of Our Dreams out for Pizza

Fourth of July Fun

Riding on the Wagon behind the Tractor

Sassy Sissy and Sappa-Lou

It was the dream of his life to play with his trucks in the sand.

Pizza Man right after he checked out the dead fish.

Love this photo with Auntie Sissy!

Auntie Ana hates little kids eating habits, but who can resist that face???

Here she's got a co-captain, but my daughter doned her own life jacket and struck out in her own little boat with mama swimming behind! Highlight anyone???

Girlfriends in God: More Precious than Jewels!

A quick photo post from yesterday's amazing event! You ladies are beautiful and holy jewels in God's crown! I can't wait to see you all again soon!

St. Kate's Shout Out

Who knows what kind of grief this is going to get me amidst my staff, my collegues, and my mama community, but here it is: I'm a 2005 graduate of St. Catherine University! St. Kate's is my alma mater and yes, it is an all-women's Catholic university located in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Let's start with a few myths. We are not all lesbian, though we have women and friends in our community who are. We are a liberal arts college, but there are conservatives, progressives, and independents among us. My generation did not have curfews and guys are allowed on campus and in the dorms (though they had to be out by 1 a.m.) We do not and did not have pillow fights in our underwear, but we do wear comfy pants to class. We are a Catholic university, but we respect and learn from all kinds of religious faith and spirituality. Finally, any alumnae that tells you she didn't feed the squirrels is probably lying.

It seems like a great concept. A higher-education experience surrounded only by women. A golden opportunity for serious, focused, goal-oriented learning. In fact, the university's vision is "To be a leading Catholic university distinguished by its innovative spirit and premier baccalaureate College for women."

It's a glorious vision. Unfortunately, visions are often just that - something we see, hope for, and desire but whose reality we can only strive for. You see, the vision statement leaves something to be imagined because it is actually somewhere amidst the estrogen and the massive amounts of chemically-enhanced junk food is where the real story of St. Kate's lies. Let's take a look.

"To be a leading Catholic university..."

My faith was challenged by my experience at St. Kate's. To say otherwise would be untrue. And yet, it was in the challenges that I found my resolute in the faith of my childhood. I found myself in my faith. I better understood the intellectual challenges to the Catholic faith and was able to arm myself in knowledge and acceptance of the mystery.

Moreover, the wonderful ACTC consortium relationship provided not only expanded learning options, but it allowed me to choose the depth and specificity at which I wished to study. Half of the courses for my theology major were taken through the University of St. Thomas Catholic Studies department. I rely regularly on the strict theology and doctrine from my UST courses, but I rely just as heavily on the pastoral insights and lifelong learning perspective that I received in my St. Kate's course. Without both, I would not have the well-rounded background I need for my work in today's Church.

I remember fondly a Christian Life Stages course taught by Sr. Shawn Madigan. On a weekly basis, as I face the different needs of various people of faith, I reflect back on my learning about the different faith stages of individuals. I am so blessed that she has returned to her home town and mine, where she regularly presents and reflects at the Norbertine Center for Spirituality a few minutes from our parish. The St. Kate's community never ceases to touch my life.

At some point during my time at St. Kate's I read the book "Friendship and the Moral Life" by Dr. Paul Wadell. Little did I know that a few short years later I would be listening to him speak at my own parish, being that he is a professor at the local Catholic college.

Most significant to the Catholic identity of the college for me was in the example of the late Dr. Russ Connors. My final year at St. Kate's his course on "Suffering, Compassion, and Healing" was the only theology course that also fulfilled my writing intensive requirement. The learning was meaningful, but made only more so by the living and dying of the man who taught it. Having kept close tabs on Dr. Connor's work and health since my graduation, it has been a great joy, comfort and example to watch him live the lessons he taught. He suffered his conditions with grace, lived what time he had to the fullest, and died with great dignity and love. He leaves behind a legacy that exemplifies the Catholic intellectual tradition: faith, understanding, and great love.

"...innovative spirit..."

I was a nerd and the college experience wasn't going to change that. I was blessed to be a part of the Antonian Honors program. Interdisciplinary seminars and lectures pushed my learning to a new level and gave me the ability to flex my intellectual creativity. I was able to take my interests, my passions, and turn them into a learning opportunity. I was encouraged to read and research John Paul II's rhapsodic theater movement - for a grade! I researched, marketed, directed, and produced a play! The innovative spirit of the program taught me that I have control over my learning and my experience and inspires me to continue my learning in whatever endeavor I undertake.

Moreover, it was in St. Kate's cafeteria that I was first introduced to Bailey's Irish Cream ice cream. Many a late study (and movie) nights were accompanied by that ice cream and I like to believe that it's unique place in my experience has inspired me to continue trying new foods, new experiences and my own culinary endeavors. Perhaps ice cream cannot be considered innovative, but it sure can be considered inspiring!

The innovative nature of my St. Kate's experience is what inspired the work on this blog. It is what inspired the work I do in women's ministry. I learned to see a need and respond to it with my gifts. God has imbued the St. Kate's community with the inspiration and innovation of the Spirit.

"...premiere baccalaureate College for women."

While an education is a key aspect of the St. Kate's experience, I think the key word in the final phrase of the university's vision is "women". Community is at the core of my St. Kate's experience. Is, not was, because the St. Kate's community extends well beyond our time noshing in the Pulse, working out in Butler, studying next to Dew Drop, or worshipping in the Chapel.

After graduation I moved to Green Bay where I met my husband. We prepared for marriage at our local parish where we were paired with a preparation couple. Small world that the St. Kate's community is, Kris and Bob Fry were a Katie-Tommy pair from an earlier generation. Their marriage, family and way of life is testament to the character fortified by their SCU and UST experiences. They actively contribute to the global search for justic and stand firmly on both feet of charity and advocacy. Most importantly, they inspire others to do the same.

Last, but perhaps most meaningful to my experience at St. Kate's, is my roommate. I lived with the same roommate all 3 years we were at St. Kate's. Jessie was there through the ups and downs of college life. She's survived the guys, the jobs, and countless miles of travel. Together we've seen the late night crowd at the Highland Park Chipotle, the inside of St. Joseph's hospital emergency room, and miles of high-speed rails across Europe. She is not only one of my best friends and confidents, but she is now my son's Godmother. If I take nothing else with me from my time at St. Kate's, I take her and her unconditional love.

Not every moment of my time at St. Kate's was easy or humorous. There were days when I questioned every aspect of the vision statement above. Ultimately though, asking those questions, seeking for the answers, and experiencing the impact of the community made me a stronger person, a more supportive wife, a more loving mother, and a more dedicated woman of God. St. Kate's vision prepared me to live an even greater vision: to live and share the message and mission of Jesus Christ.

"Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you..."

Matthew 28: 19-20

February 29th is "Shout Out St. Kate's" Day! For more insights into the St. Kate's community go to http://minerva.stkate.edu/shoutout.nsf/pages/homepage

From Envy to Contentment

I really envy a friend of mine.  She's a lawyer, married with no kids, and living just outside Washington D.C. She has time to run long distances, visit local markets, and spend time "centering" on Sundays.

Today is Sunday and my day was anything but centered. I haven't showered, the laundry is complete but unfolded, and I am sitting mired in a cluttered desk with a to-do list longer than my 5'9" frame. Five minutes ago I had a glass of red wine, but I can't put my finger on it now...

I miss the days before my kids. There, I said it. It doesn't make me love my children any less to say that. It doesn't make me any less of a good mommy to reminisce the days when leaving the house took no longer than the amount of time it took to find my keys. Or to wax on about the weeks when the house only had to be picked up ONCE. Or to want a weekend away with my husband to remember what he looks like without his yogurt-smeared sweatpants.

We have fond memories of our time before our children and I've been told by friends that the years between 0-5 are some of the hardest on a marriage because of the constant grind. Somedays the storytelling is all that gets us through these long days.

As I find myself envying my dear friend's life I hear the Lord say, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods."

Thanks Lord...

However, when God gives you a message like that and you can't get it off your heart, I've found that the only way past it is to take it to prayer. As I mulled over that phrase, angry at God for missing the point, I couldn't make myself feel better. Nothing I read or thought could justify me past what God was telling me. If I wasn't right then I had to wander down the rabbit hole of "what if God is right?"

Shoot...

What I have is beautiful. The life we live is so blessed. Activities and outings that once had meaning as a couple now have a whole new dimension as a family. Wings and fries nights are now family date nights and I'd never want to miss a "laugh 'til you cry" trip to the zoo. Long car romantic drives are now comandeered for "pil-loso-pee" discussions about the comings and goings of all things cows and dragons. As I type I'm listening over the monitor to my son click the cats into his room so they can "listen for a story". And there is nothing, absoultely nothing, more wonderful than watching John Ross teach his sister how to use the IPOD.

These are moments of my life that I will never get back. Perhaps that is why the Gospel of Matthew reminds us, "Do not worry about tomorrow...today has enough trouble of it's own."

Okay, Lord...but, I still miss those days.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters."

It is time to find contendedness is the place my shepherd has led me. He has promised to lead me to safety, nourishment and rest. I must relish the gift of the moment. Five years from now I will find myself missing these days and wishing them back.

"God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Amazing how something as unnerving as envy can take my heart through a beautiful scripture journey to a place where I can and should find contentment in God's providence. Now it is up to my free will and discipline to remain in the place of contentment.