15 Months + 30 Years Equals Childhood

I always say that 15 months is when my life changes with a baby. Thomas has been no different. At the end of this month we will hit the 15 month milestone. He is walking, indicating needs, calling me mama, and feeding himself. He is as much joy and contentment as he was as a newborn. He brings so much light to our lives.

Next month marks another milestone for us as our beautiful Clara starts school. I will put two of my children on the bus each morning and spend a few blessed hours with my baby and my house. Never before have I had this blessing, challenging as it may be sometimes.

This year would have been so different if it weren't for the unexpected arrival of our Thomas. I would be working outside the home. I would be contemplating a move to full time. We would still have a nanny. The kitchen cabinets would not be refinished...

Because of the open nature of our marriage and my womb, our lives have been changed in such a miraculous way. I am now home with my children. I am now more present to their lives. Because I am now home during the day, my career as a writer and speaker has taken off in directions beyond my wildest dreams. My health has never been better in my adult life.

Today I sit in the visitor center of The Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in La Crosse, Wisconsin. I am preparing to give a retreat for the executive board of Catholic Charities, La Crosse. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this as part of my life.

But my Lord did.

As I turn 30 this year, so many things have settled in my heart and become the focus of my prayer life. 30 so far seems to be the decade of reflection and reconciliation. We've lost some dear friends this year and come closer to others. We have been called to face the mortality of our loved ones and the mortality of ourselves. The great blessing in reflecting on our limited humanness is the opportunity to remember God generosity, God's provision, and God's fortifying love.

Since losing a dear friend in June I've spent a great deal of time reflecting on those in my life who have impacted the woman I am today. Two weeks before his death I ran into him while dining at a local restaurant with my children and mother-in-law. He bought our dinner, unbeknownst to us, until the bill arrived. I thanked him, Clara gave him a drawing and we went on our way with a light quip about lunch sometime soon. About a week later, I drove past the parish where we'd worked together and saw his vehicle out front. I considered stopping to talk, but told myself I'd do it later. A week later, he had gone to our Lord. It is one of those moments I will never forget; one of those missed opportunities that will stay with me forever.

As such, I'm making it a point to feel more in my 30s. My husband regularly reminds me that I need to trust God and follow my heart, not the way society tells my heart it should be feeling. In the past 20 years I've left so many things unsaid. Raised to move around, I've left so many relationships unfinished. It is only now that I am beginning to appreciate the person God created me to be. It is only in the present moment, stable and supported, that I have truly begun to appreciate the awkward, precocious, curious, and genuine young woman of my youth. My adolescent emotions and anxiety had validity. These experiences make me authentic and I must not go forgetting them or pretending they didn't happen. I've already spent too many years running away and then trying to catch up to whom I really am. I'm tired of starting over.

I want my daughter to know authenticity. I want her to trust her heart at any age. I want my son to recognize, name, and embrace his "old soul" in a way I wish I had. I want my baby to forever live in his simple joy of risk. I want to protect them, but I want them to grow to love their own identity and their own place in this world, unmasked by my fear and trepidation.

God guides our hearts if only we take time to listen. It's easy to talk. It's hard to listen. As a child, I was a great listener. When I found myself no longer heard, my ability to listen diminished, leaving me vulnerable, confused and broken. When I married Kevin, my voice once again took on sound and I am now in a place where I need to practice the art of listening once again. I must re-learn listening so that I can grow in Faith, Hope, and Love.

Matthew 18:1-5 "At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.""

I having been hearing God's call in this passage for the past few months. 30 marks a new childhood for me. I must embrace this time with my young children and husband as a time to not only example, but practice these childlike arts. I am being called to fill myself up with knowledge and experiences like a child. I am being called to practice once again the genuine love, innocent trust, and fearless abandonment of my childhood. It is time to laugh like Christ and the little child.

I am excited and I am grateful. I miss my dear friend, but I'm in debt to him for being an example of Christ's selfless, ever-giving love and for inspiring me to embrace the Christ child within.

"Come, sit, and tell stories of those loved."

 

 

 

 

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Stay-at-Home Sacrifice: It's NOT all Bunny Rabbits and Roses!

This is what summer is for!

I probably should have been blogging through our massive family transition, if for no reason other than to record it for myself, but alas, I didn't feel much like writing.

I announced it on Facebook, shared it with family and friends, and processed it with anyone who would listen, but I couldn't write about it.

In November, our dear nanny decided she needed to be spending more time with her kiddos. I respect that and am grateful that we had the kind of relationship that allowed her to say so. Since then she has taken time to spend days with Clara and Thomas and given this mama a break once in awhile. We are so grateful for all that she gave and gives to our family.

As a result, Kevin and I had to figure out what to do. With John Ross in school half days and the two littles still at home, finding help and a workable schedule was not easy. After some trial and error, we decided it was time for me to stay home. Working for the church didn't offer the kind of monetary value that allowed us to hire another sitter and give us any additional take home income. Why work to pay the nanny to raise our children? (There is a whole other blog post in there somewhere...an institution that takes the moral high ground on family life, but doesn't provide a living wage or family-friendly benefits like paid family leave.) In addition, here are some things we had to come to terms with in light of our decision:

Always with the tongue!

1. This was God's plan.I tried to explain this to my pastor. I wouldn't have chosen this. If it had been up to me, I would have stayed working the limited hours and limited responsibility job at my parish. I came in, worked, and went home. It was a good break for my head and a good way to appreciate my children. I didn't make much after paying my nanny, but it was worth it. I wouldn't have chosen this drastic course correction, but it was given to us. Everything leading up to this decision was God. We are very much at peace with our decision despite the monumentous adjustments it has required. We are trusting in God's providence.

My first little love.

2. We are grateful.There has been so much peace in our household. I've completed chores on a weekly basis that hadn't been fully complete since John Ross was born. I've gotten into a routine with my two littles which has been invaluable. I've been able to commit hours each week to my physical and mental health with the gift of a YMCA membership from my family. I can slow down and appreciate these fleeting moments with my children and provide more fully for my husband's needs. We are so grateful for this gift.

3. Contrary to popular belief, staying home is not all bunny rabbits and tulips.This is God's plan, we are at peace, and we are grateful, but this is hard. I have several friends who have walked the journey of working outside the home with me for the last 5 years and I so often hear, "It must just be so much easier. I'm so jealous."

Yes, there are times when it is easier. I'm not pushed out the door by a schedule and I'm not rushing home to get dinner on the table during the famous witching hour. My laundry gets done. I don't always have to shower or get dressed in the morning.

But I am always on. There is no physical or mental break. There is no change of mental pace or shift in the demographic I serve. I can't leave it at the office. At work, projects come to an end. At an office, I can close the door. On the phone, the conversation wraps up. At home, the house is never clean, the kids are never ready, there is always another meal and another load of laundry. The closets don't stay clean. There is always needs and you are considered on the job 24/7. When you're working, you get a few hours where ultimately, you're still the top executive of your household, but you've got a director below you managing for awhile.

Again, thankful, grateful, blessed, and honored to have the "luxury", as many call it, of choosing to stay home. That said, I would contest that it isn't much easier than working outside the home.(And for the record, it's hard to blog about something when the only feedback you get on your thoughts is in non-sense all toddler song, baby babble, or Star Wars speak.)

4. We must live with less.We have had to make a lot of mental and financial adjustments. The small amount of money I was bringing in was our "mad money". It allowed us to do extra things like traveling, eating out, and little shopping splurges. We've had to take a closer look at everything we buy. We've done a lot of repurposing, reselling, and rummaging.

Recently, I received a check for some freelance work that I did with a note saying "Buy yourself something nice!" While the sentiment was lovely and thoughtful, there is no extra in our life. We live paycheck to paycheck, making every effort to keep our savings account intact.

If it looks the same on the outside, that is a huge testament to the sheer amount of work we have done to maintain our life despite our financial changes. It is also testament to the generosity of others, our families and those who have generously given their time and "cast offs" to help our family thrive.

3 kids born in Green Bay, it's about time we get to family night!

I say this not because I care what my blog readers and friends think of us. We have made a commitment to a way of life that God called us to and we are at peace.

I write this because I know there are other moms and couples out there that have made similar choices and perhaps can't put them into words. How many of us have worked tirelessly to create a beautiful, peaceful and loving life, but because the grass is always greener, others believe that we're just "lucky"?

No, we are called. We are gifted. We have responded to God's invitation to co-create, sometimes not knowing the sacrifice He is going to ask of us.

And yet, we are so blessed.

 

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A Contented Return

Well readers, it's been awhile. Pictures are below for those of you used to being greeted by a photo...:)

I am not dead, depressed, or otherwise wasted away in depths of despair. Actually, I've been wallowing in a time of re-prioritization and discernment. I've been enjoying some major changes made to our life this past spring.

Last summer I made a career move from the pastoral area of stewardship to the pastoral area of faith formation. While I love planning and teaching, I did not much enjoy the drama and grind of that type of position. Students are tired, parents are unkind and demanding, and quite frankly nights and weekends were doing permanent damage to my children. "Bye mama, daddy's staying home so you go to a meeting," on nights when I didn't have one scheduled was way too tough. We spent late nights and weekends recovering from our weeks and my husband, supportive and loving as he was, was being worn down by all the time we spent apart and caring for children alone.

After lots of tears and struggles, bouts with depression, and parish politics, we decided that I needed to watch for a new position. Lo and behold, the perfect position popped up quite out of the blue. 3 days a week I work as a communications secretary for another local parish. Plenty of time for family, diocesan work and writing without the drama of nights, weekends, or parents.

The transformation has been incredible and affirming. My children are better behaved, my patience a bit thicker, and my marriage has never been better. My house stays cleaner, I feel no guilt about stopping mid-task to read books to my snuggly little Sappa, and even my waistline seems to have halted its outward march. Last night, for the first time in a long time I joined a friend for a drink downtown after 7pm! Whoo-hoo!

I've found myself not only more attentive to the needs and persons of my friends and family, but more responsive and more generous. I've been able to put a more positive spin on life in general and helped my family to do the same.

I work a few less hours, took a paycut, and now pay my nanny more, but I wouldn't change any of it to protect what I've rediscovered. I truly feel the balance is back in my vocations. I know not everyone is able to make this kind of change, but I am blessed that my husband and I were able to trust my gut (although reluctantly at times) and see this new phase of our life through.

It's not easy to make the right choice. There are moments when I wonder about my potential, my career, my achievement. There are moments when I think, "Really? 16 years of schooling for this?" and then I remember that no corporate or pastoral achievement can be compared to the responsibility of caring for the souls entrusted to our parental care. No planning meeting compares to a meaningful discussion about heaven with a 3-year-old. Both important, but in this season of my life, God has called me to join him on the lakeshore next to a curious little boy and a dead fish.

The day will come when they won't need me as much. The day will come when God will call me to serve his church in a deeper capacity again. By that time, I will have gained the wisdom of parenthood and the understanding and compassion of married life. I will be that much more equipped to serve God's people on their journeys. I'm not losing anything by stepping back for a few years. I am gaining those foundational years with my little ones and my husband. I have been gifted by God with time to shore up our foundation and build a house on rock with Him.

Build a house of God's love around your children and they will become shelters of God's love for the world.

Here are just a few photos from our very blessed summer so far.

The Men in My Life: Dad, Grandpa, Hubby

Me and the Hubby Relaxing at the Lake

My Little Fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man of Our Dreams out for Pizza

Fourth of July Fun

Riding on the Wagon behind the Tractor

Sassy Sissy and Sappa-Lou

It was the dream of his life to play with his trucks in the sand.

Pizza Man right after he checked out the dead fish.

Love this photo with Auntie Sissy!

Auntie Ana hates little kids eating habits, but who can resist that face???

Here she's got a co-captain, but my daughter doned her own life jacket and struck out in her own little boat with mama swimming behind! Highlight anyone???

From the Wise Man in My Life

"The only way to truly help people or change the world is to do what you can and do it well. You will never fully comprend how many people’s lives you will touch, but don’t do it because you want to save the world, and don’t do it because you want everyone to see it, just do it because it helps the people around you (our kids, our families, our church and our neighbors) and hopefully it will grow. We are the seeds, God is the soil and grace is the rain. When you do it you probably won’t even know that you are doing it."

Isn't he amazing?

10 Things I Didn't Know When I Got Married

1. Differing expectations are at the heart of almost every conflict (and success!)
2. NFP is HARD. That said, it is one of the most worthwhile aspects of our marriage.
3. Men need space...physical and mental...
4. Parents don't get sick days.
5. I'm undisciplined and insecure. God is so good for giving me a patient and encouraging husband.
6. You can communicate too much, but we'd prefer it that way to not enough.
7. Diaper bribes only work when you don't share a bank account.
8. Dual jobs/incomes are great...until you have to balance them with family life. Praise God for a husband who understands the importance of balancing our family life with my career ambitions.
9. My husband has a mental stamina that rivals a robot. He has held strong through many a joyful, sleepless, confused, and tearful night.
10. Life makes love look hard, but with God, the last six years have been the most abundantly blessed of my life.

All jokes aside, five years ago I married a man who is gift from God that I could never deserve. Though cliche, I love him more today than that dreary April day in 2007 when we vowed our lives to God and each other. My best friend, my confident, my lover, my muse, my protector, and many days, my brain. He is the man who challenges me to be better than I am and who encourages me to continue becoming God's creation.

I love you.

Mussels, Fries, Apple Trees and...

...a small dose of discernment.

Suprise #1: On Saturday afternoon, my husband arrived home from a morning of errands with a pound of fresh, black mussels! For those of you who are wondering why a pound of bottom feeding shellfish raises such joy in my heart must understand that I am a European woman in an American life. I love all things European and one of my favorite dishes from my travels is mussels and fries or "moules frites" as they are known in French. There is a snazzy little tavern in Libertyville, IL that serves them up as a dish known as "Belgian Delight" and while we were hoping to enjoy them over the Easter holiday, the big family gathering did not allow for much adventuring. So instead, a week later, my hubby brought the mussels to me with a recipe! Not only did he provide the ingredients, but an opportunity for me to cook them!

I was so excited that I didn't even get photos, but we shared two beautiful bowls of wine and cream steamed mussels, a bowl of homemade shoestring fries and sides of garlic-mustard aoili. Pair that with a beautiful Belgian Ale from Titletown Brewing Company and a fabulous table in the sun on our very own deck and I was one happy lady!

Surprise #2: My anniversary presents arrived this weekend! Our 5-year anniversary is on the 27th of this month. We've had to postpone any travel plans due to a crazy schedule, but my hubby still managed an fabulous surprise. Out of his SUV of tricks he pulled two apple trees!!! Now, any of you who know my backyard may be asking, "Why do you need apple trees? You already have two!" Yes...I do, but these aren't just apple trees. These are Haralson apple trees. They are a hearty (zones 3-7, meaning they can handle up to -40 degree temps) heritage variety trees that bear the most beautiful russet red apples with a super tart flavor and firm flesh. They are directly out of my childhood and I beg for them every year! As early as next year, I will have my own! Hmmm...what to make with my first harvest???? Thank goodness I have a whole year to decide.

Surprise #3: This was a great weekend.

Yes, it is as simple as that. It's been a rough few months. Not so much the busyness of the calendar, but the stress and pressure and unknowns of life during such a busy time. I've spent many a week "just getting through" and many a night in tears or comatose because "this just isn't the way it is supposed to be!"

This weekend was the first in months where I got to catch up on chores, play outside with my kids, and spend time really talking with my husband. It had us prioritizing and reflecting on some current developments in our life. Fortunately, this weekend there was enough time to take the reflection to prayer and realize that no matter how little time we have, prayer must come first.

I'm glad that I've been taught about discernment - taught ways of calling on and recognizing God's promptings. While I still too often use discernment as an excuse for change when I'm feeling unsettled, it is a comfort zone for me. A step-by-step process for moving beyond myself and listening/watching for God. How often I am rewarded for my prayer and patience with signs and affirmations of my journey. It's like the green line in the Fidelity Financial commercials, but instead of a green line, mine is a gravel path. Instead of an arrow, the fire of the Spirit beckons me forward. Instead of security for self, there is trust in my Lord.

Questions Before 30: Feminist or No?

So, it is officially a birthday in my late-twenties which means it is an appropriate time for question number two in my 30 Before Thirty series.

Am I a feminist?

This question is a recurring one in my life. As an outspoken little girl, a graduate of an all-women's college, and a female lay minister in the Catholic church I've had more than my fair share of occassions on which to reflect on my role in the world. Today the question was raised because of a statement written in the most recent edition of Sr. Joan Chitister's e-newsletter. It read;

"Only then did the brave ones begin to write about the kind of harems the West had constructed for its own women; the closeted wife of the nuclear family whose role was to maintain the conspicuous consumption that demostrated her husband's success..."

I thought that feminism was about having a choice. So long as my choice is free, keeps me free and does not impinge on the freedom of others, my choice should not be in conflict with the feminist belief, right? Apparently not.

Admittedly, her comment followed a series of true statements about how many things have been revealed in the feminine world and genius in the past 50 years. However, in noting those things she also implied that women today, "...risk wallowing in self-deception" as, "...we fail to admit that nothing much has changed as a result of them."

While I have a deep respect for the men and women in this world who have answered God's call to vowed religious life, I do not appreciate my vocation to married and family life being put in a box by a woman who has chosen neither. Furthermore, should she not be criticizing my generation's choices or situation, she still encroaches on the choices of my mother and grandmothers without whose choices I would not exist.

I care to respectfully differ with her opinion. While I am grateful for the great work that was done on behalf of the freedom of women, I believe that some of that same work is done at the expense of women's freedom. I have never been able to call myself a feminist for two reasons: 1. I believe that the true feminist is one that supports a woman's ability to freely choose her way of life and 2. I want to be uniquely feminine.

Let me expand. I believe that the true feministy is one that supports a woman's ability to freely choose her way of life. Freely, in my belief system, is that which makes one free. Choices that enslave me to grief, physical ill-being, or relational co-dependancy do not free me. The areas of financial stability, materialism, family planning, chemical abuse, medicine, and unhealthy relationships of any type are rife with choices that have the potential to enslave me.

It is of the utmost importance to me that I have all the options laid out for me in these areas - to be well-educated before making a radical decision. Instead, many "feminist" efforts lead women to believe that only one option suits their best interest without offering the freedom of a true, educated choice.

Moreover, if I choose to stay home to serve my husband and family by way of cooking meals, teaching values and maintaining a hospitable home, then so be it. If I choose to work full time and send my children to daycare, so be it. If I choose something in between, so be it. My way of living, so long as the decision is made freely and does not impinge on the freedom of others, is as valid as another woman's choice. No philosophy that claims to free women should imply that my choice enslaves me to a "harem" of any sort, western or otherwise.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should. Take Eve for example. God gave Eve the ability to eat of the forbidden fruit. All she had to do was reach up and grab for it. However, the lesson of that story is one of temptation and turning one's back on God's will. She used her free-will to eat of a fruit that enslaved her, and generations to come, to lives aware of and tempted by sin.

And reason number two I have never been able to call myself a feminist is that I desire to be uniquely feminine. I have no desire to be the equal of a man. Those that have accepted the "...male eye..." as implied in Sr.'s reflection have done so not at the hands of ignorance or oversight, but at the hands of a movement that has promoted an equality that can never exist. I am a woman with unique insights, perspectives, and gifts that are different from those of a man. Physically, chemically, and phsychologically we are different. Were we the same, credit to the great wisdom of our Lord, our species, as designed, would not be able to pro-create.

Moreover, men and women around this world and in this church are co-creators with the Divine. Together, we build God's kingdom on earth. I need not be a man to make my contributions count anymore than I need to be American. I stand grateful and humbled by the many gifts and priviledges that being a white, American woman has afforded me. That being said, I have not come anywhere close to the generosity and selflessness of men and women just like me around the world who are doing more than I am to use their God-given gifts to the best of their ability with much less priviledge than I. I stand in awe of them as they fight, like me, to live their baptism.

Fr. Robert Barron makes a short, but wonderful case for the ultimate role and power of a man or a woman of faith. Ultimately, wouldn't you prefer sainthood?

As a representative of one of the newest adult generations of the Church, I firmly believe that much has changed for me as a woman in my Church. I have a voice that in my experience has only been silenced by a previous generation of women who don't want to hear my experience of the teachings and truth of our faith. I have a role that has yet to be challenged where I can form my family, my friends, and the other women in my community. I serve under a Bishop who appointed a married mother of 2 to the USCCB committee on evangelization and catechesis because he recognize the importance of her presence and perspective in their vision for teaching our next generation. I am grateful to be a woman in this church and grateful for the complementarity of my unique gender.

There are indeed times and ways in which the Church takes caution not to simply bend at the whims of popular culture. Perhaps that is why the Church has existed for 2,000 plus years while most political, economic and fashion statements exist but a generation or two.

My ultimate answer: feminist, no. A feminine image of God's great spirit who believes in the unique complementarity of all God's creations, absolutely.

I am woman, hear me love.

Forever a Bridesmaid

I recently came across some photos that my sister had given me from her wedding last year. There were photos of she and her hubby and photos of the wedding party, but there was also a photo of myself waiting to walk down the aisle as one of her bridesmaids.

At the time I had just stopped nursing Clara and was feeling a little down on myself. I was back to work, over my ideal post-baby weight, and I had just cut my hair because a lot of it was falling out post-partum.

Yet, I remembered a comment my sister had made when she first gave me the photos. She said, "Look at these photos of you girls walking down the aisle. In the pictures of you and Jenny (her sister-in-law) you can clearly tell that you are looking at your husbands."

I remember that moment. I looked down the aisle and finding the gaze of my husband at the altar. It was a very sacramental moment for me as I recalled my own journey down the aisle and all the things we had already been through. My heart filled with love and peace and my eyes welled up with happy tears. Walking down the aisle became a testament to the power of a God-filled marriage. We were "leading the way" for my beautiful sister and her husband. I was truly to be a handmaid, serving her by example and presence.

In a world where weddings have become a greater focus than the marriage this comment really made me reflect on the role of the bridesmaid. Sometimes it seems as though a wedding and a bridal party is all about an opportunity for adult dress-up. Yet, the beautiful ritual that is the Sacrament of Marriage prevents us from becoming too caught up in it. We are reminded that the old traditions of the bridesmaids, dressing, carrying, and leading, are not just folly. We stand as witness to the marriage, but more importantly as servants and guides.

My wedding day was one of the most powerful and sacramental days of my life. Moreover, standing up in my sister's wedding with my husband was one of the most powerful renewals of our vows and our vocation that I have experienced to this point. I am reminded that marriage is a journey and it is a journey that we do not take alone. We travel with God, our three in One. With God we co-create, we sanctify, and we serve our marriage and our world and while we do that we lead the way for other holy men and women who are watching our example.

All that from a wedding photo and a 20 minute drive to work...

27 Reasons...I Love Him Too

For our 4th anniversary my hubby created a lovely letter with the 27 reasons he loves me (we were married on the 27th of April). While I would love to share those reasons with you because they were truly blessed there are boundaries about what I share online and love letters are not within them. That being said, I felt called to share with all my readers the 27 reasons I love HIM.

1. I can't remember my life before we were one.
2. I can't imagine any more beautiful children.
3. The way we feast upon our experiences, whatever they are.
4. Road trips.
5. You have kept cleaning the litter box even though I am not pregnant.
6. "We don't pull the kitties' tails. God gave us kitties to take care of."
7. You have taught me about discipline and joyful housework.
8. You make coffee for each morning.
9. Schweetie french toast.
10. The best steak dinners by candlelight.
11. K2 wings and cajun fries and Sgambati's pizza.
12. Rabbits!
13. Our bedtime prayers.
14. Squishes!
15. Your support of my career and my passions.
16. Your patience with my redecorating bugs...
17. Having someone who appreciates my cooking even when it undermines your weight-maintenance efforts.
18. Caribou Coffee pit stops!
19. Family date nights.
20. Ghosts and Goblins.
21. All the things you teach me about the world.
22. Conversations about philosophy and theology (even when we don't agree).
23. Travelling the world and dreaming of travelling with the kiddos.
24. Saturday morning market days.
25. Juicy Lucies at Groveland Tap.
26. Snuggly snow days and schweetie naps.
27. Knowing that we are committed to being together for more years of our life than we were apart.

This man is my life. My heart is his heart. We rely fully and completely on each other. While that may not be okay by the world's standards, I don't so much mind being set apart. It means that we are seeking to live a holy and God-filled life.

Deafening but Deepening?

Our home is far from the center of marital bliss in northeast Wisconsin. The combination of the winter blues, a overscheduled calendar, 2 children under two years of age, a state budget crisis and two stubborn, pigheaded spouses just begs for some kind of chemical explosion. Ours happened on Kevin’s 38th birthday…over a cup of tea.

Actually, it was the spilling of foresaid beverage that prompted the explosion. And it wasn’t so much the spilling, but a disagreement about who was to clean up the carpet.

Who started the fire, or the parameters are not important. Nor is the fact that one of us ended up locked in the bathroom sobbing.

The real issue at hand is that each person has their breaking point. Each person has a moment where the oatmeal hits the floor, the pot boils over, or the diaper breaches. There are just some things in life that are too much. For us, it just happened at the same time.

We had it out, but in our hearts we both just wanted a pass. We both needed someone to step up and give us a break. And neither did.

And our hearts hurt. We hate being mad at each other. We just wanted to make it better, but neither of us was willing to extend the olive branch.

By the time an early bedtime rolled around for the kids, we were both ready to just have the whole thing be over. It was as though we couldn’t get to “I’m sorry” fast enough. We talked, we listened, we cried. We didn’t solve all the problems, but we went to bed committed to being kinder to one another.

And that is the best that we can do some days. We don’t worry that it happens. We’ll worry when we no longer see it as an opportunity to communicate and grow. We’ll worry when the deafening sounds or silence no longer lead to depth.

With One Voice...

We've been having a rough week over here. Politics have not been kind to the hearts of our household this week. It seems that an awareness of our very lives has been sidelined for the sake of an issue.

My heart aches for my hard-working husband who spent years waiting and working for a position in higher education that promised a stability for our family that had eluded him in the private sector. His hard work paid off for one short year until the recent budget crisis has once again placed him smack in the center of cuts, shrinking benefits, and the rumors of layoffs. He's gotten to the point where he seriously believes that perhaps it is him and not the flawed systems.

We've spent a lot of time wondering "why?". Why have the faces of our beautiful children been stripped from this issue? Why have our voices been ignored in favor of faceless "taxpayers" that should, in fact, include us?

We know, fully appreciate and support the need for budget reform. We deal with it on a daily basis in our own household. We are regularly making sacrifices of things that are in concept good, but are beyond our financial ability. We all make sacrifices even though our youngest members don't realize it yet. Shouldn't that be the case in politics? Shouldn't we all share equally in at least a portion of the sacrifice? We'll give what we need to under the circumstances, but don't strip us of our voice and our ability to gain back that which we have sacrificed when the tables turn for the better.

Ultimately, as we've cried and prayed over our situation this week, there is only one thing that is clear. We cannot rely on any force, organization, or leadership on this earth to provide for us. God is the only being in which we can place our trust.

Moreover, everything we have, big or small, is simply a gift entrusted to our care for a short time while on this earth. Even our paychecks, the things with our name on them, do not belong to us. The money in our checks is a gift from God for which we are called to be caretakers, or stewards.

God gives us gifts not because we deserve them, but because we are loved and because we are His children. We are called to receive that which we have been given gratefully, nuture it responsibly, share it justly, and return it abundantly to our Father in Heaven.

While we seek justice in solidarity with others, our voices are not to be one with any human. Seeking dignity for all, our voices are to be one with the angels and saints guided by the wisdom of the Spirit. We are called to trust in something unseen and look upon the darkness of the world with love and hope in something greater.

For all of you facing the darkness this week, be it loneliness, addiction, unemployment, underemployment, fear, infertility, anger, homelessness, heartlessness, incivility, silence or overscheduling, know that as the communion of saints we stand in solidarity with you. We pray that God's light will guide you through the valley and that together we will continue our journey to God's just and glorious Kingdom.

One day we will all find perfection in God.

Until then, I'll find my hope for innocence and perfection in the eyes of my children.

Why God Created Pomegranates

It has been a busy week around here. We hosted a 5-course wine and cheese tasting for my co-workers at the parish. Christmas is really rough on all parish staff and most events in December are just an extra thing on the calendar. This event was for all of us to get together, drink, eat, and laugh. There were about 10 people and the menu included curried butternut soup, beef roast, potatoes 3-ways, and a trio of sumptuous desserts. A lovely time was had by all, but especially by my creative side!!! This was another great consequence of my exit from Facebook!

An event I was supposed to speak at this weekend was rescheduled which was a wonderful treat! Instead of a Saturday away from my family we had breakfast together and visited a local farm who was hosting their annual "seed day". This farm offers community supported agriculture (CSA). We toured the farm and said hello the their chickens, dog, and beef cattle. We tasted some wonderful canned goods from last year's harvest and signed up for a half share of produce for the next growing season! We are all set to receive a box of produce a week starting in early June and running through the end of the harvest!! We are very excited to support local produce farming and enjoy some free range chicken and eggs!!! It was great to have some say in what was going to be planted this year!!!

We returned home a bit late for lunch. We were well into naptime by the time I got John Ross in his chair and although I fed him in stages to help prevent a meltdown, I was only mildly successful. As he worked on his grilled cheese, I was trying to peel a pomegranate (yes, I know...pomegranate? Not exactly local produce...more on my view on that in a later post) and remove the pareils. Amidst his yelling and whining I found myself saying to Kevin, "God created pomegranates simply to frustrate humans. I bet He just sits up there and chuckles!"

Kevin responded, "No, God created pomegranates to teach humans patience."

A Great Hubby!

I just needed to take some time to recognize a very important person in my life.

This is someone without whom my life would have less meaning, less purpose, and certainly less excitement. Someone who is dedicated above all else to the well being of me and my children sometimes at the expense of his own desires.

My husband Kevin is by far the most selfless person in my life and that is saying a lot because I know some AMAZING people. From taking on the role of heavy lifter for our 14-month-old son as I reach my 6th month with #2 to getting out of bed at 3 a.m. on the coldest night of the year to tape our creeky back door closed, he is our all.

He generously gives of his time and patience, giving me every opportunity to pursue my passions and being there as a soft place to fall when things don't go as I expected. His flexibility has so often relieved my anxious nature. His sense of humor brings so much light and joy to our lives. And so much laughter...including that which is currently resonating from John Ross' belly as he tries to stick his finger in daddy's ear...

We are a schweetie team and I can't imagine my life any different. After nearly 3 years, I love him more today than I did when I married him.

Ladies, if you have a man in your life like this, tell him so. In fact, tell the world. Our wonderful husbands deserve as much recognition as we do for all the things that get done in our families.

They say that women typically outlive men. I truly believe that our longevity and their early demise can be wholly atributed to their complete fulfillment of their lives as men and their vocations as husband and father. They are designed by God to act upon others and fully spend themselves in support of the lives around them.

I love you Kevin. I am completely unworthy of the gift I have been given in you, but I am ever so grateful for every moment.