Snow...I just don't know...

"It's the snow! You know how I get. It's like catnip!" --Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls

This quote mirrors my typical sentiment and yet, I'm not sure how I feel about the snow this year.

We had our first "big one" this past weekend. It came suddenly and with a burst of extreme cold. I was not at home for this first large snow of the season and my low level of excitement may be due to its untimely arrival.

Snow, for as long as I can remember, has regularly taught me one big lesson; SLOW DOWN. It does so in three ways.

#1 Driving. The first and most practical way snow teaches me to slow down is the fact that if you drive too quickly in it you will have an accident. Even here in the midwest where most people know how to drive in snow, the number of cars in the ditch attest to the fact that we still feel like we need to get somewhere fast instead of in one piece. I have done my share of fish-tailing, spinning my wheels, and gliding on black ice. While it is 100% true that some of this can be chalked up to the crappy dealership tires currently on my car, some of still has to do with my own sense of rushing or a stupid move of another rushing driver (cutting me off in order to pass a more cautious winter driver causing me to compress my brakes and slide not-so-gracefully onto the sleep strip of the highway...always remember, turn INTO the spin...). Slow down. The slower you are going, the less quickly you have to compress your brakes in a tight spot. The same applies to life.

#2 The "stay at home" factor. Snow makes me want to curl up on the couch or in my home office and shut down for a long winter's nap (or at least an afternoon's). Who wants to go out into traffic and crappy roads? I went out this weekend and although I had a good time, I really just wanted to hunker down in my hotel room, order local take-out, and watch stupid movies all day. This snow factor reminds me that slowing down isn't just about scheduling less or running fewer errands. It isn't just about spending less time going fast, but taking that extra time and using it to slow down our minds. Do something just for you; watch a movie, read a book, bake cookies, feed your soul.

#3 Seasonal pacing. No this isn't some psychological term I learned in a book. I experienced this firsthand. I lived in southern California for my four years of high school. Southern California has two seasons; wet and dry. The wet season probably totals no more than 30 days of anything from a gentle spritz (what we would calling heavy fog in the midwest) to a more typical downpour. The other 11 months are gorgeous. Now, I am not complaining about the weather...but I am going to point out the fact that if you don't have cold and snow you don't have a natural force slowing you down at any point during the year. Think about how quickly our lives move during the summer. The weather is warm, everybody wants to be outside, and life is grand. That feeling pervaded the entire year in Southern California. The pace might have slowed slightly due to the return of school in the fall, but then the outdoor sports kicked in. When it snows it is more challenging for us to be outdoors. It is more challenging for us to move from place to place and see people and attend events. There are at least 3 months of every year where nature forces us to slow down, sometimes even to the degree of our physical bodies (I'm not thinking of anything in particular...the nice muscle-cramping I'm getting in my shoulders from the cold that keeps me from easily reaching for the pencil container on my desk...)

The snows of the midwest pace our lives in a most significant way. It reminds us to slow down. It reminds us to move less quickly. It reminds us to take time to hunker down our minds. It reminds us to stop, warm up, and get our minds and bodies refreshed for the upcoming spring.

Maybe my lack of excitement is more a reflection of my hesitation to slow down than it is an actual distaste of the weather phenomenon because I cannot completely deny a certain measure of excitement for those first soft and delicate flakes of frozen water.

The Perfect Christmas Gift

So, I have been trying to figure out how to blog about this without giving away the gift...

I guess, the best thing to say is that the best gift is usually the one that is the most thoughtful even if it isn't the most expensive one on someone's list...

And sometimes it is the most expensive one on someone's list, but sometimes God provides a little prodding in order to make your impossible plans a reality...

I have had both this season and I can't wait to see their faces as they open their gifts! That is truly a great feeling!!!

Quiet Time...

First it was a trusted friend commenting on my daily need to process "stepping back and letting the Holy Spirit work"...

Then it was a practical recommendation from a resource I am using to lead a small group study.

Then it was another practical recommendation from that same resource in regards to a different strength.

Then it was a little voice in my prayer time in the shower.

I need to take time for quiet reflection.

WAIT A SECOND!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???

I am a busy person.

I have a busy schedule.

I am with people all day.

When I am not with people, I am communicating with people.

When I am not communicating with people, I am preparing notes or agendas.

When I am not preparing notes, I am preparing lunch or dinner.

If I am not preparing a meal, I am doing any number of possible tasks!!!!

WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE TIME FOR QUIET REFLECTION???

Okay, I'm done. I'm calm. Deep breath.

These messages, this theme, is a message from God. He knows better than I. If He is telling me to take quiet time who am I to question? Now, the question becomes, how do I find the time?

And the answer is...I make it.

This practice of "making time" is never mastered, but it is an important one to practice. It is a matter of reviewing my day and building it in. If it means taking my lunch into the day chapel, I schedule it in. If 4:00 rolls around, I add a few minutes onto my drive home (not hard to do when I am 3 minutes from the house...) If I have chores to do, sometimes my quiet time is over laundry (that just means I have to talk and listen instead of read or write). Sometimes it is meeting God at the sink or at the stove. Sometimes it means getting up before the sun for a quiet, extra hot shower. If it means making time before bed it may mean a little less sleep. (This same principal of "making time" is crucial to marriages as well...)

Nothing is more important than making time to talk with God and reflect on His beauty and presence. The key is that He doesn't always ask us to forego the needs of our family in order to make time for Him. He just wants your attention while your hands are busy.

In 99% of cases, if we are honest with ourselves, the time is there...we just have to use it that way.

And then the trick is: make it count.

The Blessing and Curse of Routine...

I love routine...it makes my life liveable...

My weekly routine goes like this (most of the time...)

Sunday: Morning Mass...sometimes three of them if I am working...load of laundry...12 o'clock football...change laundry...3 o'clock football...fold laundry...order Chinese food...write weekly menu...
Monday: Work...budget and bills for week...catch up with friends while Kevin is at class...make late supper...
Tuesday: Early morning meeting...work...home for random chores or projects...parish meeting hopping (Tuesday is everyone's favorite meeting night)...come home to hockey...
Wednesday: Work...work...work...home for a leftovers or frozen (originally from scratch mind you!)...faith formation night...possibly come home to hockey...
Thursday: Work...work...work...actually spend time with my husband...usually putting away Sunday's folded laundry...you guessed it, hockey...
Friday: Work...work...prep for weekend church work...spend time with my husband...usually sleeping or vegging in front of the TV...hopefully "What Not to Wear"...
Saturday: Wake up...morning errands...afternoon projects...dinner...maybe a date night...

And here is a rundown of my daily routine (most of the time...)

6:30 Wake up and push my sleeping husband into the shower
6:35 Take temperature
6:40 Roll out of body, sweep hair into rubber band, trip on a hanger, stumble into the kitchen
6:45 Make Kevin's oatmeal and lunch and pour his coffee
6:50 Kiss Kevin goodbye and attempt to pour my own coffee
7:00 (Yes it takes me 10 minutes to pour my coffee...) Turn on the TODAY show and begin stretching
7:15 Sit ups
7:25 Sit and drink coffee for a BLESSED five minutes!!!
7:30 Shower, dress, dig and search for my name badge, change clothes, find shoes
7:55 Leave for work
8:00-11:30 Work (meaning, follow up on projects, make phone calls, gab with the staff, listen to the Holy Spirit...)
11:30 Eat lunch early (or I'm crabby!!!)
12:00-4:00 Work (meaning, well you know what I mean!)
4:00 Go home...do MY chores before Kevin gets home...clean kitchen, write bills, start dinner, release and feed the hounds (the cats)...if I'm lucky, workout...
5:00 Kevin gets home, eat early (or I'm crabby!!!)
6:30 Typically meetings...rarely dinner with friends...
8:00 Home...crash on the couch...watch hockey or play video games...
9:00 Drink my tea
9:30 Bedtime routine which consists of finding a t-shirt, closing the closet doors (yes, I'm a little paranoid...) and crawling into bed...
9:31 I'm out...gone...fast asleep...won't wake 'till morning...

Why did I just regale you with my routines? Because routine is a beautiful thing...it is also a thing of great amusement and great frustration...out of my routine, I'm a little off-kilter...but too "on" my routine and I get frustated by the fact that it just "starts over"...I never get out of it!! The laundry never gets DONE!!! The dishes are never CLEAN!!! My menu is never SET!!! The budget is never BALANCED!!! Life is constantly moving and routine is just that...moving...planning...doing...

My point is, we have to shake it up a little bit!!! Sometimes we have to throw a wrench in our routine...sometimes you just have to toss the plans out the window and do something completely unexpected...otherwise all you are is your routine! :)

Color My Life Lord!!

As women of faith, God has created us for great things. He has created us with the ability to feel great joy and great sorrow. He has given us the influence to paint the world with our feelings and our lives.
And yet, so often we get caught up in our busy lives and the secular world. Our lives become stressful, dull, and neutral. We live in shades of gray or in some cases we become shrouded in black.

You’ve all seen or heard of the shows “Trading Spaces” or “While You Were Out”. The most exciting moment of these shows is the moment the designer opens the paint cans to reveal the creamy new color of the room. We need to help one another to open a few new paint cans in our lives by exploring one question:

What color palate is God creating in my life?

Consider the following passage. It is a passage I have struggled with regularly since I could understand it. How will I ever live up to the example of this woman??? How can I ever be as perfect as she is??? What I discovered when reading this passage in light of the forementioned question is that this woman's life was not about her successes or her failures, but her ability to create a beautiful palate of color in her life. Look at all of the amazing color and imagery used to tell her story!!!

Proverbs 31: 10-31
10 When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls.
11 Her husband, entrusting his heart to her, has an unfailing prize.
12 She brings him good, and not evil, all the days of her life.
13 She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands.
14 Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar.
15 She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household.
16 She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms.
18 She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle.
20 She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy.
21 She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed.
22 She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing.
23 Her husband is prominent at the city gates as he sits with the elders of the land.
24 She makes garments and sells them, and stocks the merchants with belts.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel.
27 She watches the conduct of her household, and eats not her food in idleness.
28 Her children rise up and praise her; her husband, too, extols her:
29 "Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all."
30 Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her a reward of her labors, and let her works praise her at the city gates.

What color is your life today?

A Sad Week

Life is so fragile.

Some people believe that deaths come in threes. This week they came in more than that. Kevin and I had to keep a firm eye on the end of the week hoping and praying it would bring an end to the sadness.

We were fortunate that the closest death came was a childhood playmate, but still. Each death made us reflect on just how delicate we are and just how out of control. Since our marriage, we have each become much more aware of how mortal we really are. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that now the impact of our own death is so much closer.

We had to elect life insurance this week (it is hard to believe there wasn't some kind of conspiracy going on there...). We both receive a small amount as a benefit through work, but we had to decide if we wanted more and how much. Kevin was adament that we get life insurance on him as the primary source of income. He wanted to be sure that I was provided for in the event of his death. He wanted me to be able to care for our children and myself in the most healthy way I could without him. I am very blessed by that gift. We filled out the election, sealed the envelope, and placed it in my purse for the mail.

Then I got to thinking, "What if something ever happened to me? What legacy did I want to leave for my husband and my children?" I want my husband only to worry and think about our children and not the expenses, not the budget. I want my children to have time with their dad. I want my children to have a good Catholic education. I don't want money to be an obstacle to the depth of their relationship in a time when they are so desperately going to need one another. I want to be sure that I leave my family in a state to successfully support one another without having to devote extra time to money.

So, I ripped open the election form and changed the election over to family. What's an extra $4 a month when you consider the benefits? For $48 a year I can assure that if God calls me home before I see my children grown, they will be cared for in a fashion similar to that which I would have cared for them.

Certainly, it is not all about the money, but in this case the money is what will make the care, the mercy, and the love an easier focus in a time of great darkness. And isn't that what God calls us to? We are called to look beyond ourselves and be loving stewards of our time, our love, our fortune, and our future.

Life is delicate. Embrace every opportunity. Love in every moment.

Oh Vey! Busy Woman Working!

I'm not even halfway through my week and I am exhausted!!! Don't get me wrong, this week has been great, progressive and encouraging, but sometimes that can be just as exhausting as the difficult, digressive and discouraging weeks...

I need to be filled up. I need a good hour or two with good friends. But there are a few problems...

#1 My first stop is a call with my sisters or my mom. They get me. They get my brain and they understand my goofy issues...I've done that. Sadly, they live WAY TOO FAR AWAY and we are all WAY TOO BUSY for regular phone calls. We've also concluded that growing up we did each other a terrible disservice being best friends...we've set some incredibly high standards for friends...

#2 Sure, I can get together with some of our friends and have a nice stiff drink and plentiful laughs...but what about the values struggles? What about the relationship questions? What about those "womens" problems? Those can't exactly be the topic of polite happy-hour conversations...

#3 So, my next recourse would be church. I love church. There are great people at church. We have a Ladies Guild right? Yes and the membership is primarily 40+ women playing bunco and planning craft sales...okay, so that doesn't work either.

Where are our Catholic young people? Where do I find them? Specifically, where do I find young Catholic women? To quote a dear friend, I am tired of feeling like an island!!!

For those non-denominational friends out there who are saying, "Come to church with us! We have a women's ministry!", my polite answer has to be no (as much as I appreciate your friendship and your invitation). You just don't have what I need. I feel as much like an island at your church as I do at my own because I cannot partake in the Eucharistic feast and because in your small groups I can't be my authentic self, Catholic, without being frowned upon or challenged. So the answer must lie somewhere else, although I will admit doing research into that possibility.

We as women need each other. We need the kind of support system that our mothers and grandmothers had in their sisters, aunt and mothers. It is very hard for us to achieve that in today's transplantable society. We have compartmentalized ourselves from the world. We go to work in our cars by ourselves. We sit in our office or cubical by ourselves. We come home and crash in our own rooms. We spend our evening hours with a computer screen with one keyboard and one mouse. When we exercise we shut out the world with our IPODs and Zunes. Even at church we come in at the last minute, sit in "my regular pew", and leave the second the organ heaves its last note.

How are we supposed to find women of faith, value, and joy?

I want to encourage each of you to think about the women in your life. Do they uphold you? Do they bring you joy and color? Do you uphold them? If not, go to your parishes and your churches and share your struggle. Together we will get the message out. We need honest and loving women to hold us accountable and women with whom we can share the very essence of our lives.

I propose these seven initial steps. First we pray. Then we trust. Then we pray again. Then we look, we listen, and we ask. And then we pray again.

I am so blessed to be hosting a gathering of 8 women this weekend at my home. I ask for your prayers. I hope it will be a gathering of great joy, sharing, and support; somewhere that a woman can come to be filled up by other women who will uphold her value system and faith-life.

God gave us others to walk the journey with. Let's find them offer our hand in friendship.

Eulogy for the Days of Light Speed Metabolism

Oh how I am going to miss the fresh fruits and vegetables!!! Not only are fresh fruits and veggies the pinnacle of summer, but their health and financial benefits are unsurpassed.

Kevin and I have launched a united effort to regain and maintain our waistlines and our risk for heart disease. In said effort, I have changed my cooking habits to include 3 times as much fresh produce, multi-grains, and low fat proteins as possible. It has definately taken some thought (and a search for credible websites on calorie intake and content was virtually fruitless despite 2 million hits on the topic).

I am much obliged to the local farmers market for their contribution to the effort. I have no idea how we will afford to live on our current levels of produce when the frost starts to settle in. I have attempted to master the art of canning, but I am not sure how much good 12 quarts of pickles is apt to do us...and then there are the two jars of salsa which "botulized" for no apparent reason...and one lone jar of arrabiata sauce...

We are definately starting to feel better. We encourage one another to exercise, gently chide one another at the temptation for fried potato chips, and laugh at one another's misguided attempts at convenience health foods (my self-designed 100 calorie packs of salted non-multigrain pretzels...his attempts to curb his love of beer into a "treat".)

I am not saying that the occassional slip doesn't occur, sometimes intentionally...(breaded chicken wings with spicy BBQ sauce...OH MY GOSH!!...Sam's Club death dogs...OH MY GOSH!!...chocolate of any kind...OH MY GOSH!!!)

Our beloved Catholic Church doesn't help any either. I maintain that the Catholic Church has singlehanded contributed to the obesity epidemic in the United States. I mean, come on, donuts, juice and heavily creamed coffee every Sunday for 30 straight years cannot be a good thing...

Regardless, the one thing we have stressed through this whole thing is NO RADICAL CHANGES. We will eat what we like. We will eat what we want. We will substitute when possible (whole wheat pasta, olive oil, chicken instead of beef). We will shrink our portions. We will check the sodium content of our meals. But we WILL NOT DIET!! I will have cream in my coffee. Kevin will have an extra pack of oatmeal in the morning. We will go out for supper. This needs to be maintainable. Whether we are working or not. Whether we have kids or not. Whether we need to lose weight or not. WE MUST BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN!!!

And yet, we shared a small memorial for the days of light-speed metabolism. The eulogy went something like this.

"Gone are the days of banana twinkies for breakfast (although I've never found banana twinkies appealing for any meal...). Gone are the days of late night binging (probably because they're out with the late night cram sessions). Gone are the happy hour Miller Lite binges (although I imagine they will still exists in pints, just not in pitchers) Long gone are the days of eating half the cookie dough while baking the other half (wait, who am I kidding!)

Now is the time for beautiful fillets of tilapia...elegant arrays of whole wheat pasta...brightly colored fruits and vegetables...mediterranean spices...apple gelatin desserts (recipe BELOW, fabulous!!!) and more filtered Lake Michigan pipeline water than you can possibly imagine. We embrace it!

And yet, all of that said, one cannot forget the Midwest's dirty little secret...the inevitable...WINTER WEIGHT."

Pass the Hammer! Please...

Our dining room floor is done...

After three nights, two full days, and 6 trips to Home Depot and Menards...

After a smashed up toe, punctured fingers, and several black paint stains on multiple extremities (which are still there 5 showers and 3 days later)...

So here is the story. Kevin and I had our first free weekend in weeks. With vacations and our constantly demanding work schedules it is rare for us to have a completely free weekend. We agreed weeks ago that we weren't scheduling with ANYONE for this weekend. We turned down dinners, celebrations, and tickets amongst friendly protests, but we did it. We maintained a free weekend.

So Friday, we went for our traditional Friday lunch out and began mapping out our plans. On the table was the State Fair in Milwaukee, a nice italian dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant we've been trying to get to for 9 months, a boat trip on the Fox River, a trip to the farmer's market, and a few odds and ends around the house.

And then, out of my mouth, came the bombshell...

"Well, we could consider doing the dining room floor this weekend..." I mumbled quitely chewing on the straw in my diet coke.

So ensued the marathon home improvement project. It needed to be done. The carpet was okay with the exception of a turkey roaster size melt spot in one corner (who knew it would melt? I didn't have anywhere to put it! I wasn't the one who put the empty roaster in the oven for storage in the first place!), but the carpet was older and ratting and not without it's drawbacks. We have done quite a bit to redo our dining room already and it was starting to look out of place. We wanted something more formal and more functional, especially with the potential of little Cheerio slobbering and smushing monkeys in the next few years.

So, weeks ago we had purchased laminate hardwood flooring to replace the berber carpet in our dining room. It was a traumatic experience having picked a color and returning to discover it was sold out and then finding out that they wanted to charge us $100 to ship $200 worth of materials. On a random trip for tortilla chips, diet coke and nacho cheese for our vacation (We were at Sam's club), we found the color once again and snatched is up like a hawk to a field mouse.

And then it sat. It took up residence on our dining room wall and became victim to the busy schedule. It's only consolation was the random, longing glance we would send it's way as we scarfed down whatever dinner we had the energy and time to put together that evening.

Until this weekend. Friday after work, I emptied the room of it's furniture. Kevin and I pulled up the carpet. And we began laying the laminate. A relatively simple process with only a few cuts necessary with the table saw. We were done by 11:15. I swiffered the floor and admired our handiwork. We went to bed.

The next morning Kevin awoke at approximately 5:00 a.m. This is not usually for my husband who enjoys his mornings to sleep in as much as the next guy, but something had been bothering him all night. The seams we had worked tireless to line up perfectly were too conspicuous across the floor. They were too noticeable and did not look natural. So, after a trip the farmer's market and much agonizing over the extra work, we decided to pull up the floor, map it out and relay it, staggering the seams. Yes, we relaid the whole thing!!! But it looks a lot better...

And then there are all of the extraneous projects one decides to undertake in tangent to the larger project...A new screen for in front of the radiator...relocating all of the beer mugs on the shelf along the wall and replacing them with our wine bottles...restaining the moulding and trimming the door frame...affixing pads to the chairs and the table to protect our lovely new floor from scratches...and they are stil not all finished, but we're getting there.

Our feline children also contributed to the project. The spent most of their time testing the seams by sprawling full-bodied across any flooring that was complete. They also took their turn at christening the floor by disembodying and consuming several branches of fresh catnip. Needless to say, their druken-catnip stupor kept us well entertained during our many hours of construction.

Some of you are asking, how are the two of you still married? Actually, it was a good exercise in communication and teamwork for us. Sure, we both had our moments of frustration, but in the end it forced us to communicate, maintain patience, and make the best of it.

And the best part was, we got done in time to have our nice italian dinner at the fancy restaurant...we shared a fabulous authentic meal with a beautiful bottle of red wine...and then a drive out to the ledge to watch the sunset over the beautiful city lights.

At the end of each day and yes, even the end of each project, we are truly blessed by one another and the home we are building together.

Moonlight...

Yes, I have been terribly derelict in my posting duties...so much has been going on too!

It seems like 6 months since we were on vacation and any level of relaxation that was reached, I have long fallen from. However, let's move on to my topic of the morning; moonlight.

It would seem that moonlight characterizes my marriage. My husband first kissed me by the full moon. We honeymooned during the full moon. And yes, my monthly cycles are heavily impacted by the full moon. (Hence the nonsense of July...two full moons in a month...what's a body to do?)

It makes me think that maybe the ancient people's weren't so far off base. We think they were crazy for some of their understandings of the body and it's relativity to the moon. I propose that maybe they weren't uneducated, but they maintained less impediments to the natural order that we categorize as "science". Now, don't get me wrong, science is an important tool. We just have to remember that it is a tool amongst many. We cannot allow science to preempt things like intuition, creativity, theology, philosophy and pure natural law.

The more natural my life becomes, the more aware of nature's patterns I become. I try very hard to maintain a chemical free life. As much as possible, I am trying to eat whole and organic foods (easy at this time of year when the farmer's market is teaming the delectible delights). I have chosen to remove extra hormones from my body by refraining from chemical birth control. I am attempting to find allergy treatment methods that reduce my dependence on a daily pill. I am also attempting to find more natural remedies to things like cramps, headaches, and fatigue.

The reality is, when your body hurts, it is trying to tell you something. Painkillers do not address the problem that your body is trying to indicate, it only masks the situation. If our lives are too busy to address the problem, maybe it isn't about finding the next great medication, but finding a better balance in life. Next time you have a headache, instead of reaching for the pill bottle, consider a big glass of water, a cold cloth and 10 minutes in a dark place with your eyes closed.

We as Americans have to stop expecting other people and items to make the lives we pack full of nonsense easier. We are breeding a lazy and undisciplined society with too many distractions. How is this even possible? Does anyone see that we perceive ourselves as the busy nation in the world, but we are perceived as one of the laziest? Kevin and I were discussing the value of "processes" the other day and agreed that a world that puts undue value on processes is creating lazy and stupid people. We are not becoming more efficient! We are limiting what people have to learn, develop, and be accountable for!!!

Anyways, back to the moon. I actually set out for this piece to be a reflection on the moon in my marriage, the natural beauty that is love, and the faithfulness that is our Lord. I suppose, like a sculptor, that isn't what wanted to be carved away.

Either way, it comes down to this; the moon is a nightly reminder that we need constancy, simplicity, and beauty in our lives. There will be times when it is full, new, waxing and waning, but we need to make every effort to maintain a constant, simple and beautiful balance in our lives that allows us to live free and unhindered by the trappings of this world.

A Week at the Lake...

Every good vacation has it's moments...our's included my mother and father, my 2-year-old brothers, my 17-year-old sister, my 19-year-old sister and her boyfriend, and my husband...not to mention a vast and assorted cast of my extended family on both sides...how great it is to have parents from the same home town...for your amusement, here are some of the quotes that ensued...

"He's a good husband to us." My sister about my husband...

"That's it! We're getting a divorce!" My husband ab out my sister...

"...white squirrel dip..." My grandmother's handwriting...it was actually supposed to indicate a dessert...

"Are you flossing your teeth in the backseat of my car?" My mom to me on the way to church...

"Don't scorch the monkey!" My sister to me...in regards to...well, a video game...

"Eesh! Oot! Gak!" My baby brother...translation..."shoes, out, walk"...c'mon people, brush up on your baby!

"There were so many things wrong with that sentence! I mean, ovulation and spit crystals?" My sister's boyfriend to my sister in regards to my ovulation microscope...

"Shoot! Oh shoot! (emphatically) I forgot it! I missed one! I missed "Margaritaville"!" My dad...

"Margarine is the devil's oil!" My uncle...

"He's in the neighbor's yard eating desicated minnow carcuses..." The same uncle...in reference to...umm, the dog.

"My boyfriend is waterskiing and won't let go and I am here floating on a piece of foam and puffing on my inhaler...that's irony..." My sister...

You see, life in my family is never boring. I ate a ton, but actually lost weight because I laughed so hard. You think I'm joking? Spend a day in a "glorified double-wide" with my family...heck, spend an hour...you'll see!

Marriage Question

Well...I've been married for two months now and working for one. It has been an interesting and exhausting ride!

I wanted to go back and address a question asked of me in regards to Catholic marriage. I had stated that the purpose of Catholic marriage is two-fold and if one purpose wasn't agreeable, one might need to reconsider the desire to marry.

Purpose:
#1 To willing accept any children God gives.
#2 To bring one another closer to God and the Kingdom of Heaven.

A question was posed to me as to what I thought about a woman who never wanted children. Was I saying that she shouldn't get married?

There are two parts to that question. One, I am not saying it. I am simply representing what I believe based on what the Church has said regarding the Sacrament of Marriage.

Two, the answer truly lies in the woman's heart. If those two requirements are the case and she truly believes she is marrying a man because their marriage will bring them both closer to God and increase the Catholic community in its own way, then it is up to her conscience.

That said, it is rare to find someone who honestly believes her reason for marrying is pure that isn't also willing to bear children in her marriage. It is not an impossible occurance, but it is rare. The reason being is because it is in the "one flesh union" or intimacy of marriage that we give fully of ourselves to the other in the example of Christ and his Church. If we are not willing to offer our spouse our full selves in our fertility, be it through contraception or even misuse of NFP, we are not fully exemplifying the relationship between Christ and his Church and therefore not moving one another towards God.

Here are a few additional comments on the subject from other Catholic sources.

"As a sacrament matrimony is entirely oriented on man's supernatural goal. Matrimony and order are the two sacraments which not only serve the individual in reaching this goal but are there for the benefit of the community. Matrimony is there for the mutual help of the spouses and the increase of the people of God. Devotion to his twofold end is the way of salvation for married couples, a way sanctified by the sacrament. 'Yet she shall be saved through childbearing; if she continues in faith, and love, and sanctification, with sobriety' (1 Tim:2:15)."
http://www.catholic.org/clife/prayers/sacrament.php?id=7

"Second, neither does the council continue to employ the old distinction between primary and secondary ends in which the begetting of children is always more important than the mutual love of (two people). "Hence, while not making the other ends of marriage of less value, the true practice of conjugal love, and the whole nature of family life resulting from it, tend to dispose the spouses to cooperate courageously with the love of the creator and Savior who through them day by day expands and enriches His own family" (n. 50, italics McBrien's)."
http://www.whiterobedmonks.org/marr2.html

As you can see, the Church regularly considers the role of marriage in the Church as well as in society. They have removed the priority placed on childbearing, but they do not believe that removing the priority negates any of its importance. Also, the two-folds in marriage are clearly not mutually exclusive and in fact are based in one another, adding another sticky element to being opposed to God's gift of children.

The answer lies in one's heart, which is educated and formed in faith.

One last thought. These following lines precede the vows in the Rite of Marriage in the Catholic Church.

Celebrant: Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

Celebrant: Will you love and honour each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?

Celebrant: Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?

Maybe the Church needs to reconsider the wording of this declaration to better represent their focus on the dual purpose of marriage, but for now I guess I just don't feel like lying to or with my spouse in the course of my marriage ceremony.

A Noble and Terrifying Task

I've finally had the chance to sit back and reflect on our wedding and the wedding mass and although I went through the whole process of selecting the readings and all of the music I didn't have time during the mass to really reflect on my selections. The other day I decided to compile a playlist of the music from the wedding so that we could remember it 20 years from now and I found the music to the following song. As I reflected on the lyrics once again, I am amazed at just how appropriate the song was. Isn't this what marriage is all about?

The Servant Song
Words and Tune: Richard Gillard, 1997

1. Will you let me be your servant?
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I may have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

2. We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are travellers on the road.
We are here to help each other,
Walk the mile and bear the load.

3. I will hold the Christ-light for you,
In the night time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

4. I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow,
Till we've seen this journey through.

5. When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony.

6. Will you let me be your servant?
Let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I might have the grace,
To let you be my servant, too.

What a noble and terrifying gift of one's life. Truly the meaning of vocation.

It moves me to tears thinking about the fact that I committed myself to this two weeks ago. I only hope I am up to the task.

Natural Family Planning...Part 2

I love it when I get responses to my blog! I've had some great ones to my last post, so, being the ever-informative writer that I am, I did some more research!

One comment cited my limited marital scope. Certainly, I have only been married for almost 3 weeks, but I have spent the last 4 years researching and writing about this topic. For the last year, I have tracked my sympto-thermal cycles. I am well aware of it's effects on our current love life and our former dating life. It allows me to be conciously aware of the hormonal shifts in my body and the impacts it has on my moods and responses. It allows me to communicate more clearly why I am feeling the way that I am, and it also allows him to know more easily when those times are occurring. Moreover, the fact that I have been tracking these cycles allows both of us to know when sex is not an option, without one having to refuse one another.

Another comment was in regards to needing assurance and security in a form of birth control and that NFP doesn't offer that security. According to "Feminist Women's Health Center" - Note, I am using a source outside of my personal belief sphere - claims that "the pill" in it's many forms is only 92-99% effective when used correctly. Also, according to Planned Parenthood, only 8 out of every 100 women (again 92%) who use the pill will become pregnant in the first year of using the pill. (That number drops to 1 for "perfect use"). That doesn't include drug interactions and other hang-ups...compared to a consistent 97% for NFP when used correctly. So really, in all essence, "the pill" is no better guarantee than NFP, you can just have sex more often with "the pill".

An MSNBC article about a study conducted for the journal Human Reproduction contains the following quote:

“For a contraceptive method to be rated as highly (effective) as the hormonal pill, there should be less than 1 pregnancy per 100 women per year,” lead author Dr. Petra Frank-Herrmann, from the University of Heidelberg in German, said in a statement.

Among women who always used the symptothermal method correctly, the unplanned pregnancy rate was 0.4 percent. “Therefore, we maintain that the effectiveness of the symptothermal method is comparable to the effectiveness of modern contraceptive methods,” she added.

For more on the topic and details of the study: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17282285/

Another short explanation. The sympto-thermal method of birth control is much more scientific than most people's perception of the "rhythm method". You are required to track your waking temperature throughout your entire cycle with a basal thermometer (it reads out to hundreths for a more acurate reading). You are also required to monitor the consistency of your cervical mucus. Sorry for those with a weak stomach... These techniques together are highly effective. A woman's temperature might be elevated due to stress or illness, but if her cervical mucus is dry, she likely isn't ovulating. There is always room for error, but if the contest is up against the error of "the pill" the margin is comparable.

As to the particular concern about how much time there is for a couple to have sex, this commitment must be a mutual commitment between husband and wife. That is part of why it falls so squarely in the whole pattern of Catholic families. Sex belongs in marriage. With marriage comes commitment, communication, and understanding. It is this mutual commitment, communication and understanding that allows couples to practice NFP in their marriages. Kevin knows that I am so much healthier being off the pill and keeping my body clear of the hormones. We love each other enough to sacrifice pleasure for well-being during that time of my cycle. I don't have to refuse him. Don't get me wrong, sex is a critical part of marriage. The intimate life is the greatest gift a husband and wife can give to one another and periods of abstinence must be mutual and purposeful.

We make the time we have for sex meaningful. And when the "no fly zone" is in effect, we take that time to build each other up in other ways. Since it is my most creative and energetic time, we often work on house or yard projects together. Sometimes we make the extra effort to take day trips around the region, which are a good opportunity to get away and talk. Other times, the best thing to do is get out with our friends. Kevin likes to fish and it is a good chance for him to go out on the lake after work with his best friend. I like to get together with my girlfriends for drinks or coffee. These are built in opportunities to enhance ourselves and our marriage.

Moreover, we are at a place in our lives where pregnancy is a viable option. Now, I am not saying that if it isn't, you shouldn't use NFP, but in our case if we don't get it perfect, it is okay for us to have a baby. We wouldn't have gotten married if it wasn't. Let's face it, the purpose of marriage is two-fold. 1: the procreation and rearing of children and 2: the mutual commitment of the couple to exemplify Christ and his love for the Church and bring one another closer to God's Kingdom. If you're not ready for one, you're not ready for either.

Sure, we'd like to pay off the rest of my student loans and get a nice nest egg going. We'd like to have a few months before undertaking yet another new phase in life. But a baby is a blessing. We will welcome a baby, planned or unplanned, with the same joy and enthusiasm as part of God's wonderful and omniscient plan.

Speaking of student loans, I need to go wade through a rather large and complex web of job opportunities and time-frames. When it rains, it pours. I suppose I should be grateful, but for once in my life, can't God make it easy!!!???

P.S. Keep the comments coming! I love the dialogue!!!

Natural Family Planning

I was inspired to a soapbox by my sister. If she can use the words "penis" and "vagina" intelligently in her blog than I can pontificate about natural family planning.

It's not that hard people...I mean really. So you can't have sex for the duration of approximately a week. If you really want to be safe, 10 days. This way, not only do you and your spouse get to know your body rhythms intimately (and if this makes you uncomfortable, you might reconsider how comfortable you are with your spouse), but your body feels ten times better than it does with all the added hormones of birth-control.

Most studies indicated that for every year a woman is on birth control her uterus ages 5 years. A woman's fertility peaks in her late twenties and drops significantly after 35. That isn't a huge window to begin with and I decided two years ago that I didn't want to shrink it any further.

Moreover, I discovered myself when I chose to go off of birth control. Note: I was not sexually active until I was married, so the birth control was a method of controlling my menstration and cramping. What I found was that the hormones tempered everything I experienced. I had no highs, no lows, and now really sense of change. The world became crystal clear to me when I chose to go off of birth control. Sure, I gained some weight, became moodier, and had to find alternative methods for controlling my pain, but I am a woman and that is what women do. I am now using a combination of NFP, pain medication, and natural remedies to handle my cycle and my pain. There are some days that are better than others, but in the end I am so much better for the decision.

Yes, as my mother has indicated in several conversations we have had on the subject, it is not easy for a husband and wife to abstain from sex during the time when the woman's body most wants it. Yes, it means that each person has to give up a little bit of what they "want" for the sake of creating and maintaining the most perfect union.

In my mind, it is like swearing. Succeeding at communicating your point without swear words is much harder, but more meaningful than using them. Suceeding at communicating love and awe with your partner without sex is harder, but just as meaningful and self-sacrificing. Maybe that is the point. The Catholic Church teaches against birth control because it prevents the couple from giving completely of themselves in sexual intimacy. Birth control says, "I am willing to give you everything but my fertility." Abstainance, used correctly, gives completely of one's self, even to the point of sacrificing the one-flesh union, in order to love the other as completely as possible without creating life.

NFP takes work and dedication. I wake up at 6:30 no matter what day it is and take my temperature. I record it and make sure that my husband knows what it means. We both make ourselves aware of the "no fly" zone. Sure, I do all that. It takes about as much time as remembering to take "the pill", with as much or less worrying. Interesting, isn't it?

We're Married!!!

Password: kevin&amberly

So many beautiful photos...it is amazing to see them all because when you are in the thick of it, you don't actually get to see what anything looks like!!!

Boy was it an affair and it was only 40 people!!! In all honesty, the rehearsal dinner at our house was ten times more stressful than the wedding itself! It was wonderful though. It was a great opportunity for our families to get to know each other a little bit. We had pizza, salad, beer, hockey and a lot of laughter!!! It was also Kevin's dad's birthday so we celebrated with ice cream cake!!!

We were a little concerned about the wedding as it was a bit cold, but that morning it rained and it cleared just in time for dinner and the ceremony. We challenged traditional conventions of wedding planning and had our dinner prior to our ceremony. This was for two reasons. 1: We really wanted a night wedding and 2: We really wanted to the ceremony to be the highlight and climax of the day and not the party.

Now, this did present some problems. The restaurant we chose was a lovely irish place with a very intimate dinner room. Despite wonderful food and drinks, they did not keep on the agreed upon schedule and when it was time for the wedding party to leave to change for the ceremony (I couldn't very well risk dropping pot roast on my dress!!!) we hadn't even had cake!!! Also, I spent the first half hour I was there rearranging the room with the head waitress because our coordinator had gone home sick earlier that day...

So, we addressed it with the general manager and he knocked a percentage off our bill and invited us to come back and eat our cake and have drinks after the ceremony! So, we checked with our guests and they agreed. All in all, it turned out better than we could have planned, but if we hadn't kept our cool, it could have been a moment for tears. Instead we smiled through it all and had the best possible evening!!!

Dinner was amazing though. My sisters wrote a dual "maid-of-honor" speech and Alida was crying and laughing so hard at the same time that Hanna had to handle most of it! Dad said some beautiful and honest words as did my grandfather. I tried to say something eloquent, but I got a little long-winded. Gregg's best man speech was touching beyond words.

We got to the church and starting taking photos and Christine's necklace broke!!! Another close call for a melt-down, but this time it was Christine. I instructed Jess to run to the car and find something to replace it...if she hadn't had anything, Christine was going to end up wearing my necklace!!! But we solved it, snapped a few good photos in the process and headed back into church, slyly avoiding the groom's party!!! We almost ended up not having our rings at the alter too because my dad was a little anxious and forgot to give them to Gregg, the best man. At the last moment they remembered and all was well!!!

The ceremony went off without a hitch except for the fact that Bishop Morneau picked up Johanna's meditation with his Gospel reading and so she was a little lost for a moment while he looked for it!

The wedding itself was amazing. The party looked amazing, the parents were all very comfortable, our guests very involved and our vows the most amazing words I have ever said. There was no waiver, no question, no nerves. I remember smiling bigger than I could ever have imagined and staring into Kevin's eyes and promising to love him and hold him forever. There wasn't anything more natural.

It was just as we expected and more. I wouldn't do it any differently if I had the chance to do it again. Saturday my family came over for a BBQ before their flight and then we finished our packing and crashed for the night.

And now, as much as I might like to continue, the pressure from someone of the feline persuassion is getting strong and I must descend from my office and feed the kitties.

NO! I am not nervous...

10 days until our wedding and NO! I am not nervous...

Kevin threatened to punch the next person who asked that question...

Honestly, I am so in love with and so confident in the man I am marrying and the marriage we are creating that there is nothing to worry about. It is a small wedding, with only our closest friends and relatives (40 people...and that doesn't mean that if you weren't invited to the ceremony you aren't special...Alli...:)...). There isn't much to fuss over. If my hair isn't perfect, or the cakes aren't perfect, or someone trips, so what? What difference does it make? In fact, it will make our wedding unique.

I can't imagine it being anything other than perfect. At least in my mind...

Although, there is one little thing. Kevin's passport still hasn't come and under the new laws, he has to have one to fly into Canada...so we have become intimately familiar with the passport office. And basically, three-quarters of the time, they hang up on us. It is lovely. I'll keep you updated on this one...

Other than that, we are just cruising into the finish line. Or is it the starting line? Or is it only a lane marker? He's got a lot of work and I have a lot of church. Either way, we both have a lot of love. We're both excited to be Mr. and Mrs. Boerschinger.

I'll try to keep this updated through the countdown and the honeymoon...it will all depend on internet access in Canada!!

A Wisconsin Rite of Passage

I just returned from the grocery store. My final count included, brats, buns for brats, eggplant, tomatoes, and peanut butter. Thrilling I know. My inspiration for said impromptu grocery raid was an age-old Wisconsin rite of passage. It is officially spring and almost 80 degrees and that means beer-boiled brats. Yes, sickening and strange as that might sound to some of you, it is truly an amazing experience.

The human condition requires marks in time. Time is so much greater than we can comprehend that we must ritualize it with celebration and often times food. For some it is a long evening in the garage with a cold beer, marking the return of warm weather. For others it is a long-awaited trip to "visit the boat" in it's winter home. For some it is a "girls weekend".

Well, the days of beautiful weather have again come, albeit a little cold, and as I sit here and look at the beautiful blossoms outside my upstairs office, I can't help but feel that time is passing a bit too quickly. Just last week, my husband and I got married. We spent the last week in Montreal and Quebec City and yet, but two days later, it feels like months ago. I suppose that is why we must always live in the moment. We must never hope for a better moment or a chance to relive something. Time passes too quickly and no amount of ritual will change that.

Allergy Season...

What feels like swallowing razor blades, runs like Niagara Falls, and eats cardboard? Allergies...

I can't swallow, I am clinging to my Kleenex box like a canteen in the desert, and I could pour an entire bottle of Tabasco down my throat and walk away smiling. The sun is out, the ground is waking up, and the 9 month allergy season has begun...

I have never had allergies before moving to Green Bay. Maybe it's the paper mills or maybe I am getting old. Either way, it sucks. I am getting married in a month and my eyes look like somebody punched me repeatedly...

Yet, there is relief. It's this little white pill called Claritin. Problem is, I have to remember to take it. People like my sisters have taken medicines their entire life. Me, not so much. I've tried everything. I've put them next to the sink. The cat knocks them in the sink. I've set them next to the espresso machine. The other cat knocks them into the trash or my fiance's coat pocket. I've set them on my desk where I take my first latte of the day. Usually the latte is too hot to take a pill with right away and by the time I remember, the cat's needed feeding and I'm downstairs again and the latte is gone.

Now there are two logical solutions to these problems...1) Get rid of the cats as they seem to be the root of the problem (and I don't mean the allergies) or 2) if I had another solution, would I be writing this?

Please, if you have any ideas regarding this particular feline conundrum, share. I don't think my fiance signed on to marry the cousin of Frankenstein's bride...

The Never-Ending To-Do List

That title alone seems weighted and wordy...what I wouldn't give for a week at the beach!

That is my life. Let me elaborate. I'm getting married in less than 5 weeks...I know. And if that weren't enough, I really thought I wasn't stressed. And then everybody (the Deacon, my grandmother, my sister, my future-mother-in-law...) keeps telling me not to let it get the better of me and to enjoy it. Well, I was enjoying it until you stressed me out! And the guest list...oy vey...We are having a 40 person wedding and a huge picnic for the rest in May (reasoning in upcoming blog). It shouldn't be that complicated. And yet, I find surprises around every corner. People who weren't invited coming. People I absolutely expected and counted on, not coming.

And don't even get me started on the seating arrangements...yikes!

Besides that, I have set myself on a mission to complete my to-do list. You know, that ball-and-chain that has followed you around for the past 5 years...Mine currently includes launching my freelance career, cleaning out and updating my wardrobe, catching my scrapbook up, painting the basement, reupholstering the dining room chairs, organizing my iTunes, and planting my vegetable garden. Seriously!!! How many times can you use the phrase "Oy Vey!" in a day if you aren't actually Jewish???

So, I've just posted the list in virtually every possible place and anytime I am tempted by other distractions (tv, outdoors, coffee, shopping, kitties...) I just look up and hope that one of my to-do lists is locally visible!

Yet, I am finally embracing my unemployment with 2 months remaining...When else in my life am I going to have the unabashed and unashamed opportunity to be an adult without some kind of job? Be it professional or mom, never again will I be able to sleep in, drink my coffee slowly from a mug, go to the grocery store alone at 9:00 in the morning (when there is no one else there!), craft uninterrupted for 6 hour stretches, write letters (real letters, not e-mails), take my father-in-law to therapy without having to schedule it in, cook an extensive 4 hour meal before my sweetie gets home from work, and just all around enjoy life!!!! I am embracing it. God gave me the blessed opportunity to set up housekeeping. Sure, it was before the wedding, but hey, who am I to question God!

So, I close this e-mail with a hooray!!! I am currently off to exercise my ability to take the weight of my to-do list off my mind. At least until tomorrow...

The Gift of Nicholas

My sister has re-inspired my blogging...if I am not careful, her witticism will surpass mine!!!

3 weeks ago, Kevin's best friend and his wife had their first baby, Nicholas. He is the most adorable little thing you have ever seen!

As a result, Kevin and I were discussing life and how it has changed over the past years. He and his best friend have been friends for almost 20 years now! Kevin lived in Milwaukee and Chicago, and Gregg was in the Army. There were good times and there were dark times. There were months when they went without talking. And yet, Kevin remembers when they talked about getting married and having children and it is a strange experience to see it coming to fruition.

I also have moved around a bit. As I reflect on my friendships over the years, most of them have drifted apart. Getting married really gives you the opportunity to see who is still really invested and who isn't. I have friends in all stages. I have one, the one I expected to be there, who isn't. I have another who I never in a million years expected to be there (my best friend from Kindergarten) who is thrilled to be coming! And I have another who is on the fence about the friendship all together. And there is a new friend who thought my wedding was important enough that even when she wasn't invited to the dinner asked if she could come to the ceremony. Life changes things. My life is leaps and bounds different from who I was in all those stages. Thank God for that! We become different people. If a friendship can evolve to incorporate those changes, it is a beautiful thing. For my best friend from Kindergarten, our friendship kind of hibernated the past 18 years. And if it can't survive, we bless those friendships and let them go. It doesn't lessen the connection or the time we had together, it just says that the friendship taught us, blessed us, held us, and now it is time to let go.

Lifelong friendships are a blessing. Phase/Stage friendships are a blessing. A friendship that lasts the duration of an event is a blessing. I've had them all. Some of them have passed through me and others remain in me. They were all still in me, at the very depth of my being.

I am who I am. I live where I live. I've made choices and paid the consequences of those choices. I've also reaped the great blessings of those choices. I chose to live my life without regrets. That doesn't mean there isn't opportunities for apologies and reparation for bad choices, but ladies, we're grown-ups now. I don't have a magic wand. I can't make it all better with a kiss and a band-aid. I can say I am sorry and then the ball is in your court. You can walk away and end the game or you can keep playing. Either way, I'll still love you and always think of the good times we had.

Code Name: Freelancer

All right, so that was a lame play on Sydney Bristow's CIA tag on Alias, but it was fun anyways.

I am officially freelancing. If my attempts are anything like my attempts to blog daily, I will be an utter failure, but I hope the two endeavors will balance themselves.

I am available to write:

Articles (on various topics)

Brochures

Invitations

Books

Advertisements

Corporate Communications

It should be an interesting ride. It is great that I get to sit in my beautiful upstairs office, next to my window seat, in my PAJAMAS and write for a living. That is not to say that I am not still looking for a full-time position. The sucess potential of my freelancing increases exponentially if we reduce the pressure by landing a full-time job, but for now, this is good.

Other than that, I am working tirelessly to complete a 5 year to-do list before the wedding. I am caring for two manic felines and a man perpetually infected by Spring Fever. I knew I was in for trouble when the topic of "visiting the boat" in the barn (where it is stored for the winter) came up.

Well, I best be off. I've got scalloped potatoes on the stove (waiting for the oven), seafood dip in the fridge, and a frozen trout on the way...don't ask, it's Lent.

Home

I just finished a book by Alice von Hildebrand "By Love Refined: Letters to Young Bride" and she said a lot of things, but this was one of my favorites.

"Like the oriental carpet weaver, the good wife must be an artist of love. She must remember her mission and never waste the little deeds that fill her day - the precious bits of wool she's been given to weave the majestic tapestry of married love."

I was so glad to return home a week and a half ago. There is just something about your own house, your own bed, and your own system. I loved spending time with my sister, the baby, my parents, and the puppies, but Mom has a very particular system. Sometime since I left, my family has all become automatons of said system. When the kitchen wasn't clean when and how Mom does it, Dad made sure I knew it. When Alida came home for the weekend, she spent the first hour cleaning the kitchen counter off...apparently, all but Hanna have fallen prey to my mother's "way". :)

Even the puppy (65 pound puppy mind you) was off-kilter without my mom. He usually has a lot of energy, but he was particularily difficult while I was there and was a prince when Mom was home from the hospital for a few precious minutes.

Things got done, they just got done my way. And some of them didn't get done my way. Mom has a very particular way of doing baby laundry and somehow I knew that if I didn't do it exactly right, she'd know...:)

And then there were the bottles...So, the baby goes through about 7 bottles a day...I had about 9 bottles in circulation...so, I'd wait until they were all gone, put them in the dishwasher in the really cool bottle washer thing, and fill them when they came out. I came to find out the morning I left, that mom had about 20 of those things that I could have rotated. It's nice to know you're own home, isn't it?

Sure, I returned home to a messy kitchen table and loads of laundry, but I realized while I was gone that I really don't mind that stuff. (Kevin might say that I never really minded it because it takes me 5 days longer than him to recognize the need to do anything...Dad and I have decided I just have a higher "dirty" tolerance...eventually it will get done!) I knew where the towels were. I knew which knives I could use and for what. I knew what I had in my food pantry for meals. I knew what had to be done and when.

The first morning mom was home from the hospital with Matti, she asked me, "So, how do you like being a mom?" I told her that I didn't really feel like the mom. I didn't have a problem balancing the jobs, but the baby still wasn't mine, nor was the schedule. If I was the mom, I would have the routine and functions down to my pace and priority list. I felt like a very comfortable nanny...I knew the house and the characters in the house...the quantity...but I didn't know their ways...the quality...

As so beautifully said by Alice von Hildebrand, it is my job to create my home. No moment or talent is wasted when I am working to create a safe, loving, and hallowed space for my husband and family, however I may go about doing that.

Suffice it to say, I am so glad to be home. Even if it does mean getting this nasty cold from my sweetie...thanks, by the way...

The Healing Process

I have been here in Cincinnati for 10 days now. I returned home to care for my little brother, the poodle puppy and Johanna. Johanna doesn't need much caring for, but we have a good time together. Mom has been in the hospital with our other little brother. He needed surgery to change the shape of his skull to allow his brain more room. It has been an interesting few days.

Being home has made me nostalgic. It made me remember all of the good times with my family, my sisters, and my friends. The last few years have been an interesting roller coaster ride. I have learned to fall and to trust at the same time. I have learned to say yes to God in even the darkest of times. I never thought they could get as dark as they did. But here I am. Happier and healthier than I have been in years, knowing that I am right where God meant me to be. If even one moment had been different, I may not be where I am now.

That said, there was a lot of pain inflicted in the last few years. And not all of it was on me. Much of it was on the people and relationships around me. My sisters...my dearest friends...my roommate. Some stood by and others couldn't. Some offered a shoulder and some placed blame. I don't judge either. I am grateful to those who stood by me, but I am glad those that needed to walked away. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I am hoping to make amends. I know I can never make things the same, but just as other seek forgiveness from me, I seek forgiveness from them.

It reminds me of the wonderful gift of Catholic confession. I am blessed to be part of such a beautiful tradition and I pray that this may be a first step to making it's spirit a part of my daily life.

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Green Bay Style

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…one diamond engagement ring. On September 22nd Kevin proposed to me in the middle of our living room with the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. He asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and after asking him if he was sure, I said yes. The rest will be history. We are so blessed to have one another and be given a chance to grow and share our love with those around us.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…two orphaned kittens. Little Daisy and Gatsby came to us in August. They were the last two kittens in an abandoned litter. They are quite the creatures! Daisy likes to squirrel away anything little and shiny and Gatsby likes to play in his water dish. We are convinced they are some mystical combination of cat, dog, monkey, and weasel.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…three rooms to redecorate (and remodel).Kevin’s beautiful home will soon be our beautiful home and we are putting some well-deserved TLC into it before the wedding. Kevin has spent the last four months working on remodeling the bathroom. Our next projects include the upstairs, which will become my office and a guest room, and the basement, which will become the all-purpose guy room!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…four shots ringing (and a big doe to show for it!) Kevin spent the week of Thanksgiving, hunting season here in Wisconsin, out in the field with his dad and a couple of friends and came back with a big, beautiful doe. It was an unseasonably warm week. In addition to the doe, I’m pretty sure we amassed about four pounds of dirt from his boots and other gear!

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…five months and counting!! The wedding date is set for April 27th, 2007 and it is arriving quickly. After a whirlwind courtship, we decided on a whirlwind engagement. Most of the planning is done. We will be sharing a small dinner and ceremony with our family and closest friends, and hosting a large picnic on Memorial Day weekend for everyone else to celebrate with us. We do not plan to honeymoon right away, but hope to whisk away to Europe or take a cruise sometime next year.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…six months of unemployment. I was laid off from my radio job in the middle of October. Since then, I have been hunting for a new job and wedding planning. I have also been doing a plethora of research in hopes of launching my freelance writing career. It has made for an interesting few months to say the least, but we are getting by and trust that God will provide.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…seven days of Christmas in Cincinnati. We spent about a week with my family in Cincinnati for the holiday. We had not seen them since the engagement and enjoyed the opportunity to relax and celebrate with them. Alida was home from Bellarmine University in Louisville and Hanna, a sophomore, still lights up a room with her laughter. Kevin and Dad had a fun night at a local German brewery while we girls stayed home, ate pizza, and laughed at the babies and the new puppy!

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…eight people for Thanksgiving. Kevin and I hosted Thanksgiving this year for his family. I took my first swing at a Thanksgiving meal and it turned out better than I expected. The turkey was beautiful, the potatoes and gravy were heavenly, and I didn’t have to make dessert. I am told I succeeded. (Not without a little case of exhaustion, but hey, all for the cause!!!)

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…nine new family members, give or take a few. With any good marriage, the extended family grows. Kevin has gained two sister-in-laws (who are thrilled about the thought), a father-in-law (who shares many similar interests), and a mother-in-law (with whatever brood of foster babies she has at any given moment). I have been blessed with a 5-year-old niece, (to whom I am a great novelty), a sister and brother-in-law (who so generously share their wood stove on cold winter’s nights), and a mother and father-in-law who have welcomed me with open arms (and adore my chocolate covered strawberries!)

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…ten trips for traveling. The sport show in Milwaukee, Jessie’s first college graduation, Alida’s high school graduation, family vacation in Minnesota, girls weekend in Chicago, Brooke’s wedding in California, Labor Day weekend in Cincinnati, Vegas/Sedona, Louisville to see Alida, and an annual Christmas trip to the Twin Cities!!!! Whew, I am tired just thinking about it!!!

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…eleven months of ministry. We launched a wonderful young adult ministry group here in Green Bay about eleven months ago and it is thriving. We gather every other week to share topics of interest, fellowship and often food. It is a wonderful small group that is working to further the Kingdom and bring us all a little closer to heaven!

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
…dozens of blessings, too numerous to mention. We are so blessed to have each other, our families, our friends and all of the wonderful gifts He has given us in the past year. We hope this letter finds you happy and healthy and brings a little moment or two of joy into a hectic season, exampled by what I’m calling our “New Year’s Cards”. As a dear friend of mine says, “Bless the Mess!” May the New Year bring you great love and growth. If you have a chance, let us know how you are.

Hunting Widow

So, as of 5:30 tomorrow morning, I will officially be a hunting widow. It will be my first year and he comes home at night, but still. I have to entertain myself on a weekend day for the first time in months. Sad, I know.

Anyways, after being sick for the past two weeks, I am somewhat looking forward to having a couple of long days to relax and be creative. I think I am going to scrapbook, wedding plan, and probably sew a little bit. I'm thinking Christmas dress???

I also have to say that my kittens have been relatively good company. Daisy thinks that every little scrap needs to be hidden in the corner and that dishtowels complete her collection while Gatsby is either hearing mice or seeing spirits, but let me tell you, they are worth every minute of their nonsense!

Oh, and I've decided I need to move to San Diego. No, not because of the weather and yes, I know my fiance is here in Green Bay. However, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, they only person who truly understands the significance of the Angry Beavers and listening to Christmas music early, lives there. And I haven't seen her in years!!!!!! And she is baking Christmas goodies tonight! How sad is that??? Me, a hunting widow, missing quality Christmas time in San Diego!!! Really, there is some injustice there!!!

Anways, off I go. Chinese is on its way and I have to schedule my chick flick marathon for the weekend. Pierce Brosnan anyone????

Education...

I got a four-year-degree from a private college. To some, that makes me wealthy. To others, that makes me lucky. To yet others, it makes me and others like me, lazy and inattentive.

Guess what? I was very fortunate to be given the opportunity to achieve a four year degree. My parents did assist me with my college education. However, I worked unbelievably hard to create those opportunities. I pushed myself through high school finishing 8th in my class with 3 academic scholarships and a full year of college credits under my belt. I then proceeded to complete my 4 year college degree in 3 years, graduating Magna Cum Laude with honors, 2 majors and less than $10,000 in loans. My education is worth over $100,000. My parents paid just under $25,000 of that for which I am extremely grateful. Let's look at that.

$10,000 Loans (which I will eventually pay off myself/with my fiance)
$25,000 Parents

That leaves $65,000 worth of education that I paid for myself up front. I had saved for college since I was 8 years old. I spent the years leading up to college working toward scholarships. I worked two jobs for most of college and worked full time my entire senior year in addition to a full time class schedule and a serious relationship. I slept somewhere between 4 and 6 hours each night.

I'm not complaining. You can ask my roommate of 3 years. I loved almost every minute of it and I took great joy in what I was doing. But don't sit there and judge my education. Don't assume that I partied every weekend and dwindled my time with sororities and fraternities. Don't assume that I did the bare minimum to pass. I guarantee you, I earned my education, cost and content.

Don't diminish my education or anyone else's because you assume a rule about private colleges and their students. I am humbled by the opportunity I was given and I am aware of the reasons for the stereotype I am challenging. That said, don't judge my ability and my ethic by a stereotype. That's like measuring inches with a meter stick.

And I am sure I am not the only one.

Friends...

I've really had the opportunity in the past few weeks to reflect on the importance and value of good friends. Since being laid off, I have had a couple of tough weeks at home. It is really hard to spend the entire day reflecting on the fact that you should be working and aren't. Or the fact that you are bringing in bills that you aren't helping to pay. Not only that, but I've been sick for the last week and that doesn't help the cause.

These are times when I start questioning myself and my value. Do I have something special to offer? What did a 4-year-degree get me? I worked my tail off and racked up a pretty sum in loans for this? These are times when I wonder if I am good enough. That is a really hard reality to face.

That said, I have been affirmed in so many ways by those whom I gratefully call friends. So many of them have taken minutes out of their day to e-mail me to check on me. A couple have made an extra effort to get me out of the house for social time. Sometimes it is to run errands and sometimes for a cup of coffee. It has been an affirmation of what really matters. Jobs will come and go. People and relationships will bless you over and over again if you work at them and let them.

In moments of fear and tears and frustration I lean heavily on those wonderful people I am blessed to call friends. I am so overwhelmed by the message He keeps sending me that truly affirms that which is important in life.